I really like this blogging thing. I wish I had money to get a paid account. Oh well, I’m inspired to discuss T. How liberating this is going to be.
Who is T? T is the only man I have ever loved. I met him in the spring of 1995 during a scholarship weekend that CWRU held for its incoming students. It was the Adelbert Full Tuition scholarship. I met many people that weekend, many of whom were close acquaintances if not friends–Mek, M, S, J. In any event, I met this young man–lean, brunette with dark brown eyes and a beautiful smile. I felt some sort of spark or kinship with this guy, but besides chatting for a bit, thought nothing more of him. The whole weekend was awash in excitement and nervous anxiety and I fairly sparkled.
I was blessed enough to receive the scholarship started up at Case in August. Sometime during the first weeks that I was there, I was crossing Adelbert when I heard my name. I turned around and saw a white guy advancing toward me. At the time I didn’t know who he was, but stopped for him to catch up with me. When he did, I recalled his face but not his name. After being re-introduced, we started walking toward the dorms. And that’s where it all started. In hindsight I suppose it was inevitable. I had never been treated in the caringly gentle manner that T showed me. He called me nearly every day. We went for long walks in the park and around the university. We sat together in class. He visited me but I visited him more often as my roommate and I were not in any way compatible!
We used to walk down the street holding hands. We shared a similar love of good conversation, witty repartee and in-depth soul searching. We both ended up majoring in International Studies. We drank coffee at Arabica, ate meals together in Leutner Cafeteria, read each other’s essays and divulged personal secrets to one another. We talked on the phone daily and spent hours in each other’s presence. Later on, I was to hear that many girls jealously assumed we were dating and inwardly wondered how we had hooked up so soon. It made me laugh and cry at the same time when I heard that.
The year progressed and T began to get involved with his fraternity. I should have seen the signs, but like a fool I remained steadfast…the woman behind the man. We moved in separate yet similar circles but whenever we were together it was as if there was only us. I could feel him separating from me. He was less available and more prone to forgetting our lunches, dinners, walks, phone conversations and such but whenever he had a problem, he always talked to me and he constantly bemoaned the fact that he wasn’t able to spend more time with me. It got so bad that I used to cry whenever he stood me up. I used to cry when I saw him hanging out by himself because I wanted so badly to be with him. I used to cry because I wanted to hold him, caress his hair, kiss his face.
How can I describe how hard I was feeling him??? My GOSH, he was my soul mate! I thought about him. Whenever we were in the same room, I could feel him. I sensed whenever he walked in the room. I knew his voice. I knew when he was upset, angry, happy, confused, frustrated. I knew him like the back of my hand and mostly because I felt him. I could look at him and know what he was feeling even if no one else could. I knew what he was thinking when others couldn’t fathom what he was thinking. I don’t know if that freaked him out or comforted him. And then came Ish. Ish was a good friend of mine who shared many of my same interests including T. We had a wonderful time together and during the summer between freshman and sophomore year I went up to Cleveland to visit him, his best guy friend S and Ish. We had such a good time. Apparently the whole summer T and S were up there, they were constantly discussing me and how they missed me and wished I was there. Oh, to be thought of, loved, needed, cossetted…
T was the first and only guy to leave me on cloud 85. I was that high when I was around him. I felt my beauty keenly. In essence, he made me feel as if I was the only beautiful woman in the world. I never told him how much I loved him. I was too afraid that such a beautiful man would slip away when he knew how desparately someone adored him. A good girlfriend of mine used to tell me that when we were together, even though we were in a large group, it always seemed as if there was a bubble around us. As if we were connected on some level that no one else could vibe on. That’s how we were–inseparable on a deep spiritual level. He inspired me and I…well…I don’t exactly know what I did for him. I think I made him feel stronger, more capable, more loved, more confident.
I would have married the guy if I could have. I was that enamored of him. So who knows…