Mini-treatise on love

So I don’t know when I wrote the following entry.  I’m sure it was one of those dreamy days when my mind was full of wishes and desires…

 

I do not pretend to fully understand the wonders of love,
but I can see its beauty is wondrous to behold. I have spent this day watching movies—all of them romantic dramas:
“Blast from the Past”, “IQ” and “Mansfield Park”. Each of them touching and revealing of the
many nuances of attraction that hold a man and a woman captive to one
another. I am not one to be
melodramatic, but I do feel that there are times when a healthy dose of love is
not unwanted.

 


To be held in another’s
strong arms. To know there is someone
who must be with you always, in some capacity or another. To feel that someone understands your
attitudes and beliefs, and if not fully amenable to them, wishes to see your
happiness above all. Perhaps I am
romantically delusional but if so, I would rather be than live in the squalid
ugliness of modern notions of love. To
be with one person. To fall daily and
repeatedly in love with this person. To
share aspirations, failures, and seemingly inconsequential happenings with
another who fondly wishes to be a part of your life—that is love.


Yes, there is much frustration, confusion and
often pain throughout the process but what thing worth having comes cheap? And certainly, the most expensive of all
possessions is love. Love indeed is a
possession, but not one without uncertainty and is therefore even more precious
and worth pursuing—fighting for. No one
who comes to it can remain impervious to its charms and all have an innate
longing for it that can not be accounted for in any mean way.


I, myself, have often longed for this emotion
and wondered if I could sustain its demands. For love is not without its difficulties. One takes two separate individuals with some
disparate convictions and character traits and expects them to live harmoniously
forever? That is totally absurd. It is impossible to live without
disagreement, without conflict of some sort, but it is necessary to see through
such often painful and vulnerable instances to the higher nobility of it
all. I fear that is what lacks in
today’s view of love: the knowledge that
love is above all, WORK.


It is no mean
feat to live with another human being’s flaws and frailty and be always and
completely content. In fact, I would
daresay it is impossible. We are not
perfect beings capable of absolute and continual forgiveness, grace, mercy and
strength to push aside the slights and insults of loved ones; instead we
squabble, inflict needless harm and stand alone in our selfishness and
pride. To that end, we are in constant
need of reminders of how our heavenly Father has loved us as well as constant
guidance from His Son.


I feel so heavily my own internal ache to love someone as a
man loves a woman and would gladly, at least at this moment, pursue its
beckoning. While I am in it though, I do
not know how I would act or react to its actions. It is too difficult to speculate on one’s
future actions with sure will when one has never before faced love. Love can, and often does, make no sense. Yet how I often long to be nurtured and cared
for.


I believe that since my mother’s
death, I have felt keenly the need to be held. It is unlike any other emotion that I had known before. Indeed it was more the need to be encompassed
by someone else’s strength. I have often
felt that I am walking this path alone and to a certain extent I am. We all must live somewhat apart within our
thoughts but not without a Higher Power. I question from time to time my longing for a special someone to enable
me to live.


I wonder if it is natural or
if I am merely seeking a substitute for the Almighty. Yet, I know this can not be true for there
are many—believers and non-believers alike, who yearn for this: to be held or to hold. In any case, I am young yet and must be sure
of a future someone with whom I may spend my days.


Also, I must not be maudlin or melancholy
about this matter for I know that my singleness is not entirely without its
creature comforts. I may go as I please
without informing someone of my intensions. I may enjoy the company of many people without any censure on the part
of my lover. I have myself and only
myself to deal with in matters of the heart and do not share in the burden of a
lover’s indiscretion, shame, guilt, anger or sadness. Yet, from time to time, I must admit that I would
like to be loved—even if I admit it only to my most secret of selves…

About papillion

Intense Often Moody Transparent Exquisitely sensitive Animated Never satisfied Curious Eternal Romantic Creative Devotedly Christian Encouraging Multi-layered Loving Quick Judge Critical Forever evolving View all posts by papillion

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