on longing

how do you miss someone who’s not gone?  how can you long for
someone who isn’t away?  how do you desire the company of someone
who has no plans on leaving yours? 

you can when what you miss isn’t for you to have.  you can when whom you long for doesn’t belong in that way in your
life.  you can when the one whose company you desire doesn’t
desire the kind of company you have to give (only your friendship,
nothing more).

when you realize someone whom you’ve met, befriended and shared with is
someone your heart craves to love but your mind knows can not be loved;
you’ve got a problem. 

it’s a little strange for me to feel my way around this dilemna. 
i like him.  i like him a lot more than i thought i would and a
lot more than i have admitted to anyone and that makes me feel
vulnerable.  which is not always a bad thing–if i’m the one
choosing to become vulnerable in that way–but
when i don’t choose and it just happens, i’m not always happy with
that.  nor am i happy with the fact that because of our close
relationship, it’s difficult for me to “lay off” him.  if we
weren’t so close, if i didn’t care for him as much, it wouldn’t be this
hard to let go; but i still want the deepening friendship and i still miss him when i don’t get to see him.

my emotions aren’t so much akin to fire but to coals.  it’s a
quiet appreciation of a man who with all his faults, still can make me
happy to be with him.  perhaps it’s a good thing that he can’t
leave his workplace very often.  it leaves little time to be with
him on the outside
then again, it leaves him with few people with whom he can be
completely free and in a way, ties him closer to me.  if he were
able to live life riotously, perhaps i wouldn’t see him as much;
perhaps he might be shackled to someone, perhaps i wouldn’t be typing
this. 

but then again, how often has he told me that he’s finished living the
“party life”?  that he’s looking to settle down, to be for someone
all that she dreamed of in a best guy friend/man/spouse/husband kind of
way?  so even if he were able to go out, to hang, to kick it with
anyone, would he?  or would he settle down with a few good friends
(me included). 

and how often have i wondered what it would be like to settle with
him?  because, as much as i care for him now, i know that
eventually that’s what it would be about–settling down.  he runs
in somewhat dissimilar circles, has not acquired the same levels of
education, does not believe in my God.  yet i find him wonderfully
attractive.  and as serious as i am, i have thought many times
about why i find him worth longing for.  what he has is a genuine
compassion for people, a sincere interest in the lives of others’, an
endearing love for his home and country, a lack of presumption about
the manner in which he relates to others and an unpre-possessing
spirit.  he also has an impulsive immature youthful streak that
makes me wince, a propensity for complaining, a lack of profound
discernment about some of the birds he flocks with, and a timidity that
sometimes grates on my nerves.  sigh.

i just need to remember that God has someone better for me.  that
some of the qualities he evinces attract me for the reason that they
are precursory tastes of what
will eventually be mine to share.  that feelings are not fact and
that not all longing is lasting.  

About papillion

Intense Often Moody Transparent Exquisitely sensitive Animated Never satisfied Curious Eternal Romantic Creative Devotedly Christian Encouraging Multi-layered Loving Quick Judge Critical Forever evolving View all posts by papillion

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