Does anyone care–really really?

The concensus among my LJ friends is that I should not leave LJ.  So for now, though
I’m disliking the choice of colors and format; I will stay.  I
don’t know what to feel.  It’s 2:47 am on the 23rd of April and I
just don’t feel sleepy.  I got a lot of sleep last night ~8hr so I
suppose that is partly culpable for my alertness.  I just wrote a
poem about my Mommy dying.  I saw her a few nights ago in my
dreams.  That’s the only time I see her.  I didn’t see her in
the beginning but then I started having dreams where she was in them
and she’s always dressed in white.  Always.  The last dream I
vividly remember; she had hurt her neck and I wanted to hug her but she
couldn’t reach me; so she tilted her head towards mine; touched my
forehead with hers and looked deeply into my eyes.  The love that
emanated from her was palpable.  Never in any of my dreams have I
been so blown away by the power of such love.  It surrounded me as
a blanket encompasses a small baby.  She loved me more than life
itself.  And I woke warm with her love.  I miss her.  I
can’t wait to see her in heaven.

Part of me wants to cry.  The other part doesn’t.  Part of me
is happy that I can finally be happy with my life.  That I can begin to love again. To see past the pain, the degradation that death causes. I can truly laugh again! The other part
wonders what that means for her memory.  Part of me wants to tell
the whole world that she died and that they should never forget! 
Never forget!!!  That they should never forget who she was, what
she stood for, what she deposited into the lives of every person she
met.  Part of me wants to throw a huge party for her.  Part
of me wants to be held and comforted, hugged and loved, shielded and
taken care of–I want someone to remember that I still hurt!!! 
The other part feels silly for wanting to be shown affection, to be
singled out, to be sent flowers, cards and called.

Am I asking too much?  Maybe.  Maybe 


About papillion

Intense Often Moody Transparent Exquisitely sensitive Animated Never satisfied Curious Eternal Romantic Creative Devotedly Christian Encouraging Multi-layered Loving Quick Judge Critical Forever evolving View all posts by papillion

3 responses to “Does anyone care–really really?

  • liondaughter

    I don’t know that one ever gets “over” such things or loses the emptiness that that person filled. But I think it’s more a process of becoming more accustomed to that emptiness, incorporating it into the Self. I don’t know though, I could just be blowing smoke.

    *big hugs*

  • daidraemer

    I think you shoudl stay on– these days, its our only steady contact. We should get together sometime.

    I’ve been very lucky in my life that i’ve lost very few people. Many pets, who i’ve cherished as much or more than some of the people in my life, but few actual humans, and no one as close as a parent. But the loved one’s deaths that i ahve lived through did very much effect me, and still do. Pain like that its exactly gotten over– it never disappears, never fades. But we get used to it, like a newborn getting used to wearing clothes. And occasionally, i do also see them in my dream, bringing comfort and love. Its a wonderful thing, and i’m very thankful for it.

    And i don’t think you’re asking too much. Just maybe you haven’t found the right people to give it yet?

    But people out here do care, and are sending good thoughts and electronic hugs your way. Be well, B

  • calixtan

    hope you’re doing ok.

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