i cried a lot today.
it’s been difficult being me lately, esp when most people aren’t even aware that i’m in pain.
my mask must be thick.
even if they asked (which they don’t), what would i tell them?
would i begin to explain to them what it’s like to feel orphaned,
unglamorous and left behind–constantly struggling to make it?
what do i say to people who don’t believe me when i tell them it’s hard to be me?
do i convey that sometimes i feel as if i carry with me burdens i can
not unload–that the loss of my mother makes me vulnerable?
and that i hate that?
yet i know it to be so?
no human understands that kind of gnawing, constant ache which
sometimes overwhelms my soul to the point of shaking me into the
ground–rocking back and forth, crying out to God?
why would they listen?
could they begin to wrap their minds enough to understand what i’ve
dealt with without exposing their restlessness and disquiet just being
in the presence of my raw emotion?