a million thoughts running in my head…

I wept today.  I wept because my Mommy is dead and she can’t talk
to me.  I wept b/c my father has never visited me in Pittsburgh
which is only 3 hours away but he’s crossed the Atlantic twice to see
his step-wife’s children get married.  I wept b/c when I look in
the mirror I don’t see beauty, brains or brawn.  I wept b/c I’m
sick and tired of the same thoughts that run through my head:

will i ever find someone to love me for me?
why do i fall for guys who don’t love me but only like me?
why does it make me feel ugly when a guy i like doesn’t like me?
why did i have to like Vik?  of all the people in this world–a
guy who doesn’t find me attractive, is not of the same spiritual
beliefs, comes from a culture where they don’t step out of line and
don’t marry non Indians?
why did i have to like him now?
and now that he wants to sell the 2nd restaurant, how will i deal with him not being around to just hang with?
how will i back off being around him now that his parents are in India looking for a girl for him?
when did he became such a big part of my life?
how could i have been so lonely to have allowed myself to get close to him though i knew he didn’t respond in kind?
why do i have to study for step 2?
why do i have to apply to residencies like i did for med school?
will they accept me?
why do i have to do another AI?
why do i have to redo CAMC?
why is there so much confusion about CAMC–i have one month to redo it but the CAMC people have me scheduled for six weeks!
why hasn’t my loan money come in yet?
why can’t my father take his two masters degrees and be something more than a glorified secretary?
why can’t my father be in a financial position to give my brother aid for school and going to Argentina?
why does my brother suffer so much?
why can’t i lose weight?
why don’t i care about losing weight?
why do i have to be an orphan?
why can’t i meet people who don’t NEED me to be strong?
why can’t i travel far far away more often?
why do i ache when i can’t explain it?
why can’t i be closer to God?
why don’t i care about stuff right now?
yet why am i hurting?
why is this world so jacked up!?
why can’t i leave and be a star in the heavens?
when will my life be over and my trials done?
why is it that i feel pain (everyone’s) so exquisitely?
why don’t i have higher grades?
why have i struggled so much to get to this point in medical school?
why do i have to be strong for other people when they aren’t strong for me?
why do i care if i’m bigger than other girls, black, with shorter hair?
why can’t i be classically beautiful?
wouldn’t it be nice if guys thought i was beautiful–as shallow as that
sounds–just once?  for a day hunh?  something to recommend
why can’t more people reach out to me–instead of me reaching out to them?
why do i have to be the one people like to dump on? yeah, i care but
just once–i would like someone to really really ask before i spill
why can’t i meet people who care deeply for me and make the first
move?  what am I that no one wants to step to me first?  do i
scare people?
why must confidence be intimidating?  why must people come at me
with all these racist/gender stereotypes?  why can’t they try at
least just a little bit–to see me for me, like i try my darndest to
see them?
why aren’t more of my people doing well in this world?
where is the tomorrow i dreamed of yesterday?
why do i feel so tired all the time and want to sleep?
why do i feel insecure though I know God has me in the palm of His hand?
why do i have to ask questions?
why do i FEEL so much?
is my greatest strength also my greatest weakness?
when will i be in a movie?
when will i write those books?
when will God take me home?  away from this journey?  away
from this place of wondering?  away from the stress?  away
from the confusion, frustration, demands on myself made by myself and
from others?
do people really understand me?
why didn’t people visit me when i was suffering these past 5
years?  why didn’t those people who promised to be there for
me–who knew my Mommy personally–never come?
why did my father have to get remarried so quickly?
why couldn’t i have brushed off my mother’s death?
why can’t i feel whole again?
why do i think so gosh darned much?
when will i have new thoughts?
am i on the precipice of something great–is that why i want to crawl into a hole somewhere?
why am i so dissatisfied with myself?
why are my standards so impossibly high?  would/could i live if they weren’t?
i hate my glasses, why didn’t i go back during the 30 days to get a new pair?
why does my phone lose calls/drop calls?
why are my eyes so small that i feel no one looks at me?
why am i growing facial hair on my chin–what am i, testosterone?
why can’t my metabolism run faster?  just because?  so i can burn more calories
why do i often feel like i’m trying to catch up with other people?
why am i more open than so many others?


About papillion

Intense Often Moody Transparent Exquisitely sensitive Animated Never satisfied Curious Eternal Romantic Creative Devotedly Christian Encouraging Multi-layered Loving Quick Judge Critical Forever evolving View all posts by papillion

9 responses to “a million thoughts running in my head…

  • ragdollgirl

    the hair on the chin…and the weight gain….are there skin tags on you? unexplained tiredness?

    go and get checked out for pcos….i am so serious here!


  • elsbro

    Honey… I think you’re being too hard on yourself.
    Just keep believing in yourself, keep doing what you’re doing and don’t take everything to heart.
    In the end; it’ll all work out… trust me, you’ll see.

  • elizabesia

    You ARE beautiful, you have a beautiful mind, and your strength is the stuff of legends (as is your cooking. 😉 )

    I don’t know what to tell you to help the pain and weariness, but at least there’s this: I love you and you’re a wonderful, wonderful friend and human being.**

    *big hugs*

    (**you’re also a wonderful dresser, dancer, poet, comic, storyteller, person-reader, observer, the list goes on and on, but I didn’t want to say all that because I was trying to have a moment. 😉 )

  • daidraemer

    if i ahd read this one before i read the next one, i’d be really worried about you. the benefit of reading backwards, i guess.
    i’m sorry you were ahving such a crappy time of it. but i’m glad that you seem to be doing better.
    i’m sorry i’ve been so ouot of touch lately. but i hope that you are doing well. i feel like everything i type is inadequate. i jsut hope you know that there are people who love you, and who keep you in their minda and hearts, and that you can drop me a line at any time (work email is faster). be well. 🙂

    ps: i’m also sorry about all the typos! blech!

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