Real Men…

Looking through Ibrahim’s weblog made me realize again, we’ve come a
looong way baby.  A looong way.  I remember when I first met
him and how strange he and all his buddies seemed to me.  All they
did was sit in front of their computers making obscure comments which
prompted gales of laughter and almost incapable of discussing anything
not computer/Simpsons oriented.  Ewwgh. 

Last night Vic came over with Nef to watch “Veer Zaara” with myself and
Ade.  Vic is leaving for India on the 10th for a 21 day stay and
Nef will be leaving at the end of the month for 2 months away so they
won’t see each other for another 3 months.  I made food for
everyone and we ended up talking till…drum roll please…6AM!! 
Ade and I chucked it all and went to church where we were both shanked
(me pre-emptively) by the sermon (see next entry). 

Silly moments from last night:
He sat on the floor, close to the
place I was sitting on the couch.  He leaned his head on me
once.  He leaned on the pillow which was leaning on me.  When
he came into the kitchen a couple of times he put his arms around me
(twice from the side and once from the back)

At some point last night I
realized that Vic was staring at me from time to time; especially when
Nef was talking.  I looked up to see him staring at me, look away
and look at him again and he was still looking at me. 

At the end of our stimulating
conversation, I was putting away dishes, moving around, sing/humming a
song from the movie and at some point I looked around to find him
leaning against the wall, staring at me with a silly little grin on his
face.  Who knows what that was all about but I got the distinct
impression he had been staring at me for much longer and I just didn’t
realize it.

Back when I was feigning for him, this may have made me ludicrously
hopeful but now, well it just is.  Not to say I don’t get a little
kick out of it but the kick just doesn’t have the same pizzazz. 
My love for him is waning and I don’t care anymore.  But
why?  Partly because of his religious beliefs that just freak me
out and partly because of his penchant for making excuses and
complaining.  I just couldn’t take it anymore.  I can’t
handle folks who say they want something but never put forth the effort
to start the ball rolling and yall, there’s only but so much
cheerleading a sista can do before she walks away.  I’ve been
walking away slowly but I’ve been emotionally pulling away even more;
especially after the wedding and he hasn’t changed.   If
anything, he’s probably closer.  Go fig…

When all the Case guys came back and I talked with Ibrahim, Loren and
Matt; I realized that these were MEN.  Honest to goodness educated
MEN, who were able to speak intelligently on many topics, who were
accomplishing things in their lives, and with whom I shared a closer
more traumatic history than I did with Vic.  It felt like I was
being reminded that as much as Vic is handsome, witty, compassionate,
sensitive and possessing great potential–he has much growing to
do.  More growing than I have time for.  More growing that I
can stomach.  Perhaps if I had met him when he was 28 or so,
instead of 23 going on 24, this would be a much different entry but I
think that he has so much more to figure out for himself that liking
him has become a burden.  I wonder how much of it is his immediate
presence and availabillity in my life versus the mere mortal

It’s almost like when I first met Ibrahim, Midas, Crisco and all them
young bucks–how frustrating they could be b/c I wanted them to
interact with me on a deeper, more personal, more intense level (I
wanted that from everyone back then) but couldn’t get it because they
weren’t interested (my ego was rather huge back then as well)! 
It’s not the same b/c I’m older and so is he, he’s more open to being
queried and probed about himself (to a greater extent than them but
every once in a while he steers me away), and I’m coming from a place
of romantic interest as opposed to a “friendship” level.


About papillion

Intense Often Moody Transparent Exquisitely sensitive Animated Never satisfied Curious Eternal Romantic Creative Devotedly Christian Encouraging Multi-layered Loving Quick Judge Critical Forever evolving View all posts by papillion

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