1) When I die, I want to die like my grandfather–who died peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in his car." --Author Unknown
2) Advice for the day: If you have a lot of tension and you get a headache, do what it says on the aspirin
bottle: "Take two aspirin" and "Keep away from children." --Author Unknown
3) "Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so? There's a support group for that It's called
EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar." --Drew Carey
4) “Relationships are hard. It’s like a full time job, and we should treat it like one. If your
boyfriend or girlfriend wants to leave you,they should give you two weeks' notice. There should be severance pay, the day before they leave you, they should have to find you a temp." --Bob Ettinger
5) "My Mom said she learned how to swim when someone took her out in the lake and threw her off the boat.
I said, 'Mom, they weren't trying to teach you how to swim.'" --Paula Poundstone
6) "A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men. I just want to
say to the authors of that study: "Duh." --Conan O'Brien
7) "Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant?? I'm halfway through my fish burger and I realize, Oh
my God...I could be eating a slow learner."
8) “Remember in elementary school, you were told that in case of fire you have to line up quietly in a single file line from smallest to tallest. What is the logic in that? What, do tall people burn slower?"