Small lump in my heart…

Around 7:28 I woke up and realized that I had had the following dream:

My right eye was bleeding.  For
some reason a quarter of my lens had fallen off and the eye was
bleeding profusely.  I was looking around for someone to help
me–take me to a doctor’s office or something.  And I kept walking
around different places and no one was helping me at all.  At some
point I realized that my foot was also bleeding–there were two areas
of my left foot which were bleeding and I was shoe-less so I was
leaving bloody footsteps around.  It was horrible
.

Realizing my roomie was working through her morning ablutions, I fell
back asleep thinking I would wake when she was finished.  Uhm, I
didn’t wake up for another half an hour but not after having dreamt the
following:

Roomie and I were coming back from a
function and we got into a very nice luxury car.  We were driving
along and all of a sudden my crush was in the car.  He was wearing
a white wifebeater, sitting in what would be the driver’s seat, while
roomie sat in what would be the passenger’s seat and I was sitting in
the back.  The hood was down and we were talking but no one was
driving.  It was as if the car was propelling itself.  And
the sky was a marvelous tableux of intense fiery colors.  I was
massaging my crush’s back/neck and feeling sad that he was leaving for
his native land.  We were laughing about something and he said
“Yeah, my father would probably forget to give me my Chloraquin pills
for the first four weeks so I wouldn’t be able to go”.  Then I
realized that my roomie was falling asleep and said “Hey —- shouldn’t
you be driving?” And then I woke up.

So what’s up with these dreams hunh?  Well, the first one
is a variant of a dream that I have when I feel neglected in my waking
life.  And it’s one of these subconscious feelings/beliefs that I
have when I’m going through an especially “unknown” period of my
life.  I always have these dreams that my teeth have fallen out
and I’m running around asking for help, pleading with people and no one
even sees me suffering and if they do, they walk away without so much
as a goodbye.  The other variant is that I have somewhere to go,
I’m late and I can’t find one of my shoes.  I have one in my hand
but can’t find the other one.  In any of these dreams, the key is
that I need help and no one is helping me.  I’m neglected, passed
over, invisible. 

In last night’s dream, the significance of the bleeding escapes me–but
the significance of the right eye doesn’t as one of the reasons my
crush is going back to his native land is to see if a “medicine woman”
can fix the strabismus of his right eye.  To say that I am not
disturbed by this is to lie.  I believe there are good forces and
bad forces and there’s only one good force–God, Jesus Christ. 
Any other force is not good.  So it saddens me that he isn’t a
believer and even more that he is consorting with evil forces. 
Sigh.  So I’ve been praying a lot recently for God’s intervention
in this aspect of his life, that He may know Christ and that his whole
family may come to know Christ.

The second dream of him actually in the vehicle?  Well, I do care
a great deal for him and we always discuss how his family has it out
for him b/c they don’t allow him to live his own life (filial
obligations and whatnot).  Why did my roomie fall asleep? 
Maybe b/c she’s often fallen asleep when he’s come over?

So there it is–my crush has just left for his native land (3:00
flight) in order to purify himself in the hopes that a medicine woman
will cure him.  My God!  I wish him well.  I wish him
safe.  I wish he knew Christ.  And I miss him.  I know
he just left a few minutes ago and that the last time I saw him was on
the 6th (spent ~5-6 hours together) but I miss him b/c of what he’s
going to do.  What will he be like when he returns?  Will his
eye be healed b/c the evil forces will it to be so?  Will God
intervene now or later?  I know Jesus loves him more than I do b/c
he created him.  I just continue to believe (see prior
entry)? 

I also think I miss him b/c I do like him.  I’m so strange like
that.  I have pre-emptive feelings.  If someone is leaving, I
begin to detach myself from her/him a good while before s/he actually
leaves.  If I know that I am to present in front of my peers, I am
nervous the day before or earlier on in the day and right before I’m
calm.  If I am leaving one place in my life for another, I detach
myself and feel sad/nostalgic before anyone else does.  I suppose
it’s a coping mechanism so I’m not overwhelmed by my feelings at the
end.  And one thing we all know, my feelings are expansive. 

Anyway, I have to do this CAT for my CAMC course and then work on some
psych stuff.  It promises to be a busy yet fun month!

About papillion

Intense Often Moody Transparent Exquisitely sensitive Animated Never satisfied Curious Eternal Romantic Creative Devotedly Christian Encouraging Multi-layered Loving Quick Judge Critical Forever evolving View all posts by papillion

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