I went to the Oven tonight to tell Surly that I didn’t have any of
their borrowed movies from Kohli’s. We were chatting when he
said; “[Crush]’s wife is a nurse”. I was like “Errr?
What? Wait, wife hunh?”
Him: “You knew that”
Me: Uhm, no, I didn’t.
Him: You talked to Pops about it
Me: Uhm, no I didn’t
Him: Yes, he told you.
Me: Nope, we never talked about that
Him: Oh, yeah, he got engaged.
The uncle comes out to tell me that the rings have been exchanged and
the only thing left is the actual wedding. Wow.
I kept trying to bring the subject matter back to the wedding b/c they
were so casual about it–as if it was every day that someone gets
engaged. I questioned Surly repeatedly about whether or not the
rings had been exchanged–and his answer was in the affirmative each
time. Surly also mentioned that there were some misgivings at
first about Crush which if they lived in India might lead to a lack of
engagement but given Crush’s current residence in “Amrica”, there was
no way she would break it now.
Crush’s mother left the homeland a couple of days ago and is due in
today. Surely the exchange of rings occured before she
left. Why is this important? Crush called me the day of her
departure. Crush never mentioned that he was engaged.
Never. No hint of it. Wow.
Was he waiting to come back to da burgh to tell a sista? To break
the news in person? If so, then OOPS, he’s been ratted out.
Aside from the fact that I am romantically invested in this cat and the
knowledge of his engagement hurts, there’s the obvious fact that he
just didn’t tell me. And I’m his friend!!! I know that he
knows I’ve visited the restaurant b/c his family talks like that.
Did he not think I would learn? Did he think they would keep it a
secret? DUDE!!! They’ve flipping exchanged RINGS!!!
Part of me is angry b/c I liked him and could never have had him
but still lived in this semi-romantic mode with the boy. Part of
me is sad b/c this seals the casket. Part of me is sad that he
would call to see how I was doing and wouldn’t tell me this good?
news. Part of me is sad b/c he’s not the first XY I’ve fallen for
and who didn’t like me.
I fought it. I fought even admitting to myself that I liked
him. I tried to put my feelings on ice for him. I knew it
wasn’t right. But I don’t know how to not like someone! I
don’t know how to not be attracted to someone. And you know
what? I’m mad b/c though I knew it would never work out, I still
Is it a function of my own vulnerability to want to be loved so badly
that I would fall for someone who clearly wasn’t meant for me? Is
it a function of my desparation that I would let myself be so close to
someone I could never have? Is it a function of me? Am I
love starved? How do I guard my heart from such
entanglements? Gosh, why am I such a fool?
Did I mention how tired I am of loving but not being loved in return?
I guess I can’t give him the pseudonym of “crush” anymore right?
WOW…my heart hurts….
As my sibling said “Kill it before it grows”…
I think my heart is too big for its own good