Are what my good friend “M” drops into my heart whenever I talk to her. And it’s always in talking to her that I get these gems–these ideas that are germinating but don’t push to the topsoil until someone points them out to me.
For example, this past Sunday, minutes before B&N was scheduled to close she called me and we chatted for over an hour. In talking to her, I realized that I had been blaming myself for the relationship I had with the boy. I was unhappy because I felt responsible for how close we became and blamed myself for allowing it to become so much a part of my life.
How could I have let him into my heart? How could I have been so free with him when I knew that part of me just wanted to be with him badly while the other part wanted to just be friends? And the shame that goes along with allowing myself to fall for someone whom I knew couldn’t be with me but who often reciprocated/vibed on what seemed to be a similar level?
And she told me that I was taking too much onto myself. She told me that he was old enough to be a man and that he decided to return my affections, he talked to me as much/even more than I talked to him, he became involved with my life and my friends and he decided to make a decision that would affect the nature of our relationship. Why then was I stressing when the bed was shared by him as well? It hit me then. It hit me right between the eyes. Who was I to turn this into my problem, my situation, my burden?
And even more important, why was I doing this? Why was I shouldering the burden of the pain that now plagued my heart? SIGH. Because deep down inside I never wanted to fall for him and looking at the situation as my fault somehow made it more palpable to deal with. It seemed so much easier to take full responsibility for feelings I couldn’t control because that would allow me to have some control. If I could persuade myself that I was to blame then maybe I could learn from this episode different ways to protect myself from ever having to fall like this again.
It sounds twisted doesn’t it? But it isn’t. If something is out of control then taking responsibility for it brings it under control. Then I won’t be afraid or worried that I could fall again for someone who doesn’t love me and be hurt when he doesn’t reciprocate. I wouldn’t be afraid b/c I would have learned lessons to prevent that from ever happening, but if it isn’t under my complete control…it can happen again. And that ain’t good. For there is discontent in the thought that I could fall for someone again–that my history of unrequited love could be the only love story I have to call my own.