back in the day…i’m not a kid anymore…

Your Inner Child Is Happy

You see life as simple, and simple is a very good thing.
You’re cheerful and upbeat, taking everything as it comes.
And you decide not to worry, even when things look bad.
You figure there’s just so many great things to look forward to.

the ironic thing is that much of my childhood was spent in angst. go figure.

i worked out hard today. partly b/c i didn’t go yesterday. and partly b/c i got a text message from the ex-crush saying “Hi Honey, I am home. LOL” Honey? Who’s honey? His honey is back in da mothaland…sigh. I knew he was gonna return some time and I’ve been mentally, emotionally and spiritually preparing myself. My response? “Welcome back!” I thought it was polite and portrayed the right amount of friendliness without overt hostility or sentimentality. LOL. *wink at myself*

When I was a kid, I had no idea that life could get complicated like this. I would never have thought that I would have to deal with such issues. I thought by now I would be married, with a kid or two, healing folk and travelling when I could. Living Life! Being free. And here I am. Still in school. Never having had a significant other. Nulliparous. Learning how to heal folk and travelling when time and money allow.

Yet, what do I have to be sad about? Really and truly! I belong to God. My drama is His drama. He tells us to “cast your anxieties on Him b/c He cares for you”. So what do I have to complain of all the time? Dude, after all that’s happened these past few years–I’m still alive! I am able to love again. Able to laugh again. Able to give again. Able to feel contentment. Able to gain strength, confidence and faith in Him. Able to just be…

…Six years ago I couldn’t do that. Five years ago I didn’t know who I was, where I was going or how I would get there. Four years ago I cried incessantly, wore black, locked up my heart and considered suicide as the only possible option. Three years ago I started taking anti depressants and watched helpless and paralyzed as my relationship with my father crashed in flames; leaving ashes for a heart. Two years ago, I struggled to release my anger against my father, against people who said they would be there for me, against friends who disappeared on me. One year ago, I fasted for purity in thinking.

Now? I stand in the temple of my Lord trusting that He who has shown himself faithful, will not let me go. Trusting that those who place their trust in the Lord will never be ashamed. Laughing at my own quirky “eccentric and eclectic behavior” (per ‘Knowledge’). Dreaming of graduating. Smiling when I see butterflies (ask me more about that). Hugging people. Believing that all is well. Speaking what is not as if it was. Talking to God about everything: frustrations, worries, anxieties, disquiet, love, romance, death, friendship, animosity, the future and everything inbetween. Throwing parties that lead to longer lasting romances (sounds like a gum commercial). Working out consistently for the first time since early college. Trusting my instincts. Living a life of hope, faith and love.

One year from now? Five years from now? Twenty-five years from now? Doing what I do best: LIVING!


About papillion

Intense Often Moody Transparent Exquisitely sensitive Animated Never satisfied Curious Eternal Romantic Creative Devotedly Christian Encouraging Multi-layered Loving Quick Judge Critical Forever evolving View all posts by papillion

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