i need to share my quotes. it would be a shame to have the quotes milling about in my mailbox, just waiting for the light of day. sometimes i have grand ideas for my quotes that involve using each of them as the lynchpin for my journal entry but it rarely occurs given that my mind moves much too fast and loses interest in the actual application of the idea. the theory sounds so much better.
so maybe i spend a lot of my time dreaming about things. and maybe that’s not so good. okay. i still get what needs to be done…done. i still achieve results. and besides, it’s my flipping blog anyway, right? i can type whatever i feel is germaine (that’s a yummy word) to my existence at the time.
currently i’m in a bit of flux. weird events have occured to force my hand and my heart into places that for others may be slight, have become for me painfully revealing of my naivete in matters of the heart. granted, i know quite a bit about the heart (mechanistically and metaphorically) but when it comes to the reality of MY OWN HEART, i find that i am sadly lacking in experience, knowledge and hardiness.
hardiness is more of the problem. my heart tends to fall much too easily for its own good (of course i am much more critical than other people are of me) and so i find myself in the unenviable position of having loved someone who didn’t love me. and now i must face the consequences of “slapped in the face, shanked in the heart” beat-down. so the heart of mine that has only recently allowed itself to feel anything extensively is stuck. i didn’t think it would be this way. in fact, i never thought that i would love like i did. unfortunately for me, i sort of tripped into it and one day woke up with the mind-numbing realization that my heart had run away.
but this was about quotes wasn’t it? and now it’s become a rambling mess of my thoughts and emotions. have i ever talked about how much i HATE romance? I HATE IT. cause it makes me weird. i get strange urges to kiss people. i find myself staring at people in a rather love-struck way. i want to hold and be held. i just want to be around the person. i do things–giggle, massage shoulders, touch arms lovingly. i become horribly vulnerable. i…gasp…SHARE! ewwgh!
and then what happens when your romantic idyll is blasted into a million jagged pieces that tear at my heart, my mind, my soul. and i run screaming “NOT AGAIN! NOT AGAIN! DEAR LORD, NOT AGAIN!!!!”
I’m SICK AND TIRED of falling for men who don’t love me. Maybe I just need to go on lock-down with myself and only have girls who are friends? maybe i should accept that guys just aren’t interested in me. maybe i should accept that i have horrible judgment when it comes to falling in love? i mean really…why do i fall for the “will never be’s?” is it b/c subconsciously i know that i will never be faced with the actual wrestling involved in the formation of a committed, loving relationship if i fall for guys who don’t fall for me?
i can’t take it. i can’t take this anymore. i gotta find a way to close my heart. gotta find a way to lock it up TIGHT!