metforming thoughts

what do you do when you’ve talked and thought about something so much
that you can’t talk about it anymore?  and you can’t stand to
think about it but it’s just there?  it’s 12:08 am Sunday 25th,
2005 and i just spent a half an hour driving from sq hill to dwntwn and
back.  listening to the same song repeatedly.  unthinking but
feeling.

i studied after leaving the student lounge.  i finished optho and
did DM.  i am believing that everything i read i will
retain.  i’m tired but kind of not wanting to go to sleep.  i
dreamt about todd this afternoon.  we all know that afternoon naps
have the craziest dreams, yes.  and dreaming about todd wasn’t
what i wanted.  i saw him when i was following “my father” around
this weird tv program.  there were groups of people in teams and
living in a large complex much like MTV real world but not.  there
was some contest involved.  the teams had colors and tried to
elimate contestants from other teams with secret messages passed
between informants.  i had my own team but i was also the daughter
of one of the producers so it was a bit sticky.  but my group
didn’t get any special favors.  i was walking behind him and
looked to my right and saw todd.  except he was thinner with blond
hair.  we hugged and were going to talk but never quite made it.

i find it interesting that todd showed up in a dream of mine.  i
don’t ever recall having one with him in it (but it’s been years and i
was so hurt that i did my best to block him out).  but then again
i’ve been comparing todd to V and that might be one of the reasons why
he showed up.  who knows.  the essence of the dream was
strong though.  like the dream i had a couple of days ago when A
was mad at me and i lost her friendship.  what is going on in the
subconscious?  re-uniting with old friends/crushes when your
current crush isn’t available to you and reminds you of him and losing
friendships with people you care about.  clearly my mind is
somewhat troubled by the events of the past few weeks. 

my eyes are heavy.  i hope my mind will still itself long enough
for me to fall asleep.  tomorrow i wake up and start the cycle all
over again.  hopefully S will call me so that i can check out her
notes.  i refuse to think about monday.  i might talk to V
tomorrow (face to face).  who knows.  how this has hurt me, i
can’t begin to understand.  i’ve still got a few more weeks before
it’s supposed to leave per Y.  I hope it does.  I hope it
does. 

one of the reasons i dislike studying is that it isolates me.  i
spend long hours by myself, reading and memorizing.  i don’t
always like to spend long hours by myself doing that.  it used to
be fun.  then i came to med school.  now it’s got its own
issues.  sigh.  God will make it all well.

About papillion

Intense Often Moody Transparent Exquisitely sensitive Animated Never satisfied Curious Eternal Romantic Creative Devotedly Christian Encouraging Multi-layered Loving Quick Judge Critical Forever evolving View all posts by papillion

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