Be Forewarned….

This started as a recap and became a rant…

I feel like such a graduate student.  I’m sitting in the newly
renovated 2nd floor of the school library, typing on a laptop that I
borrowed from the library comoputer people.  Yup, you can borrow a
laptop up to four hours at a time.  I just finished one section of
the Step II assessment and I didn’t have enough time to think through
the questions.  So that sucks.  I’ve got a lotta studying to
do–but I can’t fret, God has to work it all out.

It’s a rainy, grey Saturday in da burgh and I went to bed early last
night.  So yesterday, I was out and about with some of the ladies
and millennialhappy as she took fotos of us at Phipps, in the garden
(in the rain) and then at Cafe Zinho’s where we commandered a table so
she could snap us.  I hope they come out artsy.  It was good
to meet her…she’s good peeps.

Went home afterwards, washed dishes and then left for a surprise going
away party for Michael (German exchange student) whom I never really me
h/e he did come to a party of minet.  He has been here going on 8
months and now he’s off.  He’s part of the engineering crew that
I’m associated with from time to time. So he was pleasantly surprised
and I had free dinner which was really all that was propelling me to
go.  I know, I know, it sounds mercenary but when you’ve got to
pay $1000 or so for an exam that you have to take to graduate and then
spend extra money to fly to that place…well, it doesn’t make you
happy.

In fact lack of money doesn’t make me happy at all!  After paying
off monstrous bills and the like, I will have maybe $1000 for the next
two months???  And that’s gotta tide me over till whenever I get
my check from the government.  And I need to apply for citizenship
but I’m scared that my residency is close to running out and then I’ll
be technically an illegal.  And what will I do then?  I’ll
have my residency apply for citizenship for me I suppose.  And how
in the world am I going to fly to all of these places that will
(hopefully) give me interviews esp out SW???  Dear God!!  I
try hard not to dwell on it b/c it has the potential to suck my joy.

Speaking of sucking my joy…last night at the party, we left early and
there were complaints.  Why?  B/c apparently we have to dance
“otherwise nobody else will”.  Well screw you too!  What am
I?  Your personal private dancer?!!  I’m sick and tired of
hearing people tell me that I need to be anywhere for anything
“partyish” to happen.  Why?  Why does it irritate me? 
Cause it’s so flipping one sided.  Cause sometimes I wonder if
people assume that b/c I’m black I will automatically be able to
dance–and that makes me sick.   It irritates me b/c I don’t do
what I do for anyone else but me.  I don’t go to parties to “show
off” and be the center of attention.  I go to have a good
time–not to be the lynchpin for other people feeling free enough to
have a good time.  It irritates me b/c I have an issue with being
“typecast”. 

I’ve spent too much of my life developing myself as a total
human being to be relegated to the person who dances for everyone
else.  There were times in my life when I listened to the voices
that told me I was NOTHING.  Too many times when I felt that there
was nothing in me but tears, pain, inappropriate anythings–whether it
be laughter, or my voice or my mannerisms.  Too many times when I
was “too much” and it hurt to be constantly informed that I wasn’t
kosher.  There were too many times when I felt that I had to “act
up” in order to get someone’s approval.  In 5th grade I used to
mimic people…hurtfully b/c it got laughs and made me feel that I was
accepted.  What BS is that?  And it took me years to get over
my need to gain approval to find myself in a place where I can just be.

So one girl said to me last night “Oh, there she goes again.  She
loves to do this all the time” and I was just dancing.  And I
stopped.  I walked away b/c it hurt me.  It hurt to hear her
say that.  She didn’t mean it maliciously.  But it was like
cold water on my enthusiasm.  Why can’t I just dance?  Why
can’t I just be?  Why do people assume that my joy is for them to
suck up? How long did I have to wait before I could express myself and
now that’s all you see and that’s all you will ever see.  Last
week at Havana some random chick came up to us and just started
dancing.  Ain’t never met her before but there she was.  It
was annoying.  Not that she couldn’t dance, nope.  Just that
she came with someone and he wouldn’t dance so she decided to join
us–and what could you do when someone is just all up in your
space?  Sigh.

Two nights ago I went to a club where a live band of drummers was
performing and at one point I was dancing and guess what…some random
woman came over to me and asked me to show her how to do what I was
doing.  I DON’T KNOW HOW TO SHOW YOU BITCH!!!  I don’t. 
I do what I do b/c it’s part of how I am.  I don’t give freaking
lessons.  I can’t help you if you have no rhythm.  I can’t
help you if you can’t figure out how to move your stiff arms. 
Stop assuming that I will or that I can.  Gosh, people…let me
breath!

I don’t know.  I just don’t know.  I’ve been told time and
time again that it’s a joy to watch me dance, that I dance beautifully,
that it’s amazing, that it’s wonderful.  And sometimes it’s good
to hear that.  It’s good to hear that.  I won’t lie.  I
guess it’s just that sometimes it can be overwhelming and so
repetitive.  I don’t know if I’m being ungrateful b/c it’s a gift
that I have and so I shouldn’t diss it.  I don’t know if it’s part
of me and I need to find a way to understand and accept it
somehow.  All I know is that is sucks the joy out of me sometimes
and my life has been too difficult.  Maybe it wouldn’t be so bad
if people just did what they needed to do without me having to be
there.  Maybe if they just took the initiative and did by
themselves without needing me to “start them up”.  Maybe if they
had joy in them about dancing, about laughing, about living and we
could share a mutual joy then I wouldn’t feel some kinda way. 

About papillion

Intense Often Moody Transparent Exquisitely sensitive Animated Never satisfied Curious Eternal Romantic Creative Devotedly Christian Encouraging Multi-layered Loving Quick Judge Critical Forever evolving View all posts by papillion

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