a silly man is a lonely man

“i mean, i would have cooked for you.  i would have poured milk into your cereal bowl”

boy, you a piece of work you know that? 

V calls last night.  Honest to goodness to Betsy!  He called
me.  And dude don’t call me.  But he called me to inform me
that had I told him earlier that I was eating dinner, he would have
come over to make me dinner.  See I was eating cereal for dinner
last night.  He txtd me about what I was up to and I told him,
dinner.  I heard nothing from him for a minute and then he calls
me.  So he’s calling to inform me that I suck b/c I already ate dinner and if I had just told him, he would have come over and made dinner for me, after all, there’s nothing hard in pouring me a bowl of cereal. Hunh?  Dawg, you just lonely, that’s all.

I’m convinced he called b/c he wanted to see if he could somehow
wrangle an invitation over to chez moi, but I didn’t give him the
chance.  Why?  What’s my proof?  Well, he hasn’t called
me in weeks.  He isn’t staying at home.  He’s babysitting for
some cousins of his so he’s at their house!  And who’s to say that
he wasn’t cleaning up at the restaurant all that time he would have
been hanging out at my crib?  It’s 11ish by now
though…sooo…yeah…right.  Okay, you think it’s circumstantial
evidence?  Naaw, it’s not.  I know the boy too well. 
Unfortunately. 

It’s all a big ruse.  He txtd me on Monday too.  Wanted to
know what I was doing, what I was up to.  I was civil.  I’m
still not sure how to relate to him.  I’m trying to shift toward
the acquaintance mode and I don’t know how to do that.  And
besides, I still care for him as a person, though he hurt me.  And
on top of all that, I’m trying to work out fourth year dude. 
Enough tangentiality!  He’s txtng me on Monday (his day off) about
what I’m up to, what I’m doing, what I’m eating etc etc.  I’m like
dang, you all up in my grill–literally! Aaah, in the old days I would
have asked him if he wanted to come over for dinner (both times). 
In the old days I was a lovesick fool!  Now I’m more of a vengeful
woman scorned (Shakespeare for yall non-humanitarians). 

It’s a good thing Jesus loves me.  I take waay too much pleasure
in seeing him struggle by himself.  I really do!  I like the
fact that he’s lonely.  I like knowing that he misses me and wants
to be with me but can’t bring himself to actually make that a
reality.  I like the fact that my foretelling of his future
loneliness is true.  By this I mean that when all the stuff hit
the proverbial fan, I thought that when he returned and he didn’t have
us, he would be a mighty unhappy person.  And at the time I felt
that I was being rather selfish and lauding myself too much for my role
in his life.  I thought I was being mean and spiteful b/c I was
hurt.  And I wondered that maybe on the other hand he would be
fine, all by his self.  And now, look.  He’s not fine. 
In fact he’s pining for contact, for interaction.  He tells me
that he can’t afford to lose me or any of us for that matter as friends
and I think…dude, you’ve already lost us.

And you know what, I really do need to pray about this.  Part of
me is giddy that he hurts as that affirms my importance in his life and
it also feels good to have someone else feel some of your pain. 
It’s not nice.  I know it.  Why does it feel so good
though?  It’s like the best, hugest

 I TOLD YOU SO SUCKA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  in the whole wide world….

About papillion

Intense Often Moody Transparent Exquisitely sensitive Animated Never satisfied Curious Eternal Romantic Creative Devotedly Christian Encouraging Multi-layered Loving Quick Judge Critical Forever evolving View all posts by papillion

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