insufficient means

why do we wear our hurt as if it was a badge of honor or better yet a
protective cloak?  when we want others to recognize and
acknowledge our hurt?  when we know that the cloak isn’t big
enough, warm enough, soft enough, weather proof enough to handle the
elements?  even when somebody tries to give us a new cloak, we
turn back to the old one? 

when someone apologizes for something he’s done wrong and the other
person doesn’t want to accept the apology and in turn inflicts pain on
the one who apologized; is that right?  is it right to hold on to
the hurt, the pain, the misery of being wronged?  what keeps me
holding on?  it must be the self.  it must be that part of me
that demands to be heard, that demands vengeance.  that part of me
that is so wrapped up in my own pain, my own struggle, my own needs
that it neglects those of others.  i understand there are times
when we must pull away to heal.  but isn’t part of healing the
physicality of addressing the pain?  how can i heal if i always
run from the pain?  i can’t.  at some point i must address,
must address, must address the pain.  wrestle with it.  bring
it up to myself for inspection.  ask myself if i am living
according to that higher standard to which i have been called.

the higher standard is a new coat that God has given us but we are such
creatures of habit.  we return to the old black coat; threadbare,
stained, covered in lint because it’s easy.  it’s what we
know.  so we return to it.  the new coat is beautiful and
when we wear it we are conscious of its beauty.  we assess our
clothing in its light–we must change our everyday attire to match its
beauty.  at first; it’s fun, exciting, engaging but soon it
becomes a burden.  we wonder if we really have to dress up. 
why can’t we wear our sweats, old shirts, tattered jeans?  so one
of three actions will prevail: either we up the ante so we can look
good in the new coat, we return to the old coat or we stop caring about
the way we look in the new coat. 

it’s the same with reconciliation. when he hurts me and i pull that
cloak over my head, what does it do for me?  when he apologizes
and i return his apology with serrated comments aimed at drawing blood
because i want him to KNOW the same hurt that i have felt–what is
that? instead of donning the coat of mercy, grace, forgiveness and love
that God has provided; i go back to the old cloak.  why do i pin
that badge of hurt back on to tell the world that i’ve suffered? 
why do i want that acknowledgement?  where does that come
from?  i want that person to do more than see my pain, i want him
to suffer too.  but that’s not the Way.  it’s not for me to
want to see others suffer.  it’s for me to want them to see the
light, to change, to become better–but not to suffer.

About papillion

Intense Often Moody Transparent Exquisitely sensitive Animated Never satisfied Curious Eternal Romantic Creative Devotedly Christian Encouraging Multi-layered Loving Quick Judge Critical Forever evolving View all posts by papillion

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