keep the beautiful close

i went to the garden for a bite of hindustan and shared my greetings
with the Sikh who runs Bombay Mart.  he ended up showing me all
his newest videos and giving me some incense in celebration of the new
year.  later on, when we were paying, he changed the video that
was playing at the restaurant so that he could show me a new
video.  i didn’t ask.  i was just jamming along to the one
that was already there and he saw me, moved quickly from behind the
counter, tapping me on his way to the controllers to change the
selection.  man, talk about favor!  God be giving me favor in
the most unlikely of places.  *shaking my head*

in other news, Warrior Princess took 2nd place at her conference poster
presentation!!!!! wooohoooo!  and she’s featured in an Italian
creative art weblog
secondary to millennialhappy’s jaunt here for a photo session a couple
of weekends ago.  this just might be the beginning of a long
career in modeling!  so i’m psyched cause this way i can hang with
the models without being one!  “oh, dahlink, tyra is just too
much! hahaha”

drove from the complimentary medicine clinic to oakland to run an AMSIP
meeting and you know what?  couldn’t for the life of me find
parking so ended up in monte parking garage but there was a traffic jam
as the valet attendants took their time parking.  who ever heard
of valet in a parking garage???
i mean, seriously!  i got to the meeting in time.  ended up
studying then going to see Dr Maya Angelou speak–she was marvelous as
to be expected!  i think i liked her better the first time simply
because it was the first time.  she spoke on rainbows in the
clouds.  of how people experience so much drama and trauma but in
the midst of those adverse situations, they end up being beautiful
inspirations for other people.  i just want to say, keep the
beautiful close and you can not help being beautiful yourself.

it’s strange how avaricious we are.  so many qualities and aspects
of me that make me beautiful but sometimes i ask myself if life would
be nicer if i was more physically classically beautiful. 
especially during difficult rotations (surgery at St Maggy’s) or when
my heart was broken (V).  at those moments i say, yeah i need to
lose like 3000 lbs, but even then why isn’t my face beautiful. you know
those pretty big women?  the ones who are big and their faces
command your eyes?  why can’t mine be like that?  those are
days when i don’t feel beautiful or ugly–i just feel there. 
inconsequential.  unpretty.  average.  my eyes are
small.  my cheeks large.  my teeth and smile are the only
features that i enjoy.  the hair is short; not long, wavy, silky
and swingable.  the skin is dark and beautiful, but no one looks
close enough to tell (besides the random WPIC patient)  i only
think such things when i’m feeling low and lonely.   when i
look around at all the  pairings and wonder what happened to
me???  is it just the physical that’s preventing me from finding
someone?  will i have to be a size 10 or 12 before someone finds
me worthy of attention?

but i can’t let myself feel low.  and i can’t afford to board the
comparison train to despondency because unlike other locomotives this
one don’t come back.  it only goes further into the hell.  so
when i feel like i’m blah, i focus on something else.  i think of
God, of His mercies, of all He’s done for me and promised me.  and
i know that He knows how lonely my heart can get, how much it
anticipates being loved and loving and He will provide for me exactly
what i need when i need it.  in the meantime, let me read poetry
by Paul Lawrence Dunbar and keep searching for the beautiful in
life.  one of my favorite me-made proverbs is that if we are
mirrors, the closer we are to the light, the more we reflect the beauty
of that light.  so the closer I am to Jesus Christ the Beautiful
Alpha and Omega, the more I will reflect His light and the more His
beauty shines through me.  and it is not the beauty that is here
today, wrinkled tomorrow.  it is the beauty of the Beautiful.

About papillion

Intense Often Moody Transparent Exquisitely sensitive Animated Never satisfied Curious Eternal Romantic Creative Devotedly Christian Encouraging Multi-layered Loving Quick Judge Critical Forever evolving View all posts by papillion

4 responses to “keep the beautiful close

  • millennialhippy

    “the ones who are big and their faces command your eyes”

    …are you kidding me??? Do you honestly think that you aren’t commandingly beautiful?! Obviously, I need to take more photographs, chica, because you have a smile to die for, and if you don’t feel that I haven’t done my job.

    • ladylord

      girl, sometimes i know and sometimes i don’t. it’s weird, i’ve spent so much of my time thinking i wasn’t beautiful that it is difficult to believe that i am. you know? it’s a constant struggle that i have with myself and i just pray that eventually it will work itself out ’cause God never fashioned anything ugly…

      your pix were great. they both said that they liked them, that you had maad skills but they wish more of them actually came out. thanks for the pretty words, makes me feel better.

      • millennialhippy

        They aren’t just pretty words, though. When I left our meeting and then again when I went through your fotos, I more than once had a pangs of jealous “why can’t I look that good” and “she’s so lucky” … when I photograph someone, I don’t improve their looks, I just showcase it, and I am more often than not floored by the beauty of everything.

        I think when I was given the prophesy “beauty out of ashes” it really wasn’t intended how I hoped or expected: I believe(d) that I would oneday be beautiful again, but truthfully, I’m beginning to see that it’s always been about me seeing beauty again.

        You most certainly radiate.

      • ladylord

        it’s funny isn’t it? there were pangs of jealousy that we both had when looking through the fotos. it has so much to do with perspective. what i have grown up thinking is beautiful has prevented me from truly seeing myself as beautiful.

        i agree with you wholeheartedly that it’s about seeing the beautiful…recognizing it for what it is. reveling and radiating it. you radiate too my dear…i’ve noticed it especially in your photos. the way in which you allow your perspective to shine through the subject matter. it’s a talent that i admire!

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