[The following entry is dedicated to Warrior Princess]

are not amused.  In fact we are far from amusement.  We are
highly annoyed.  By what?  By the lack of intelligence
brought to bear upon the matter of internet communication.  It has
come to our attention that those whom society might consider
intelligent sometimes lack the sense to properly navigate internet
parlance.  To this end, we have applied ourselves diligently and
propose a few Etiquette Rules for the Internet, or as is better known
in plebian parlance, “Netiquette”

1.  When sending informative emails, do not blithely use an
email  that someone has sent you (with addys of people you may or
may know). In doing so, it is quite possible that you will use the SAME
email addys that were originally used, and believe you me, sending an
email detailing your intent on bringing your own alcohol to a birthday
party may not fly so well when one of the Reverends in someone else’s
church is on that list!

2.  When sending emails, do not
use a prior email’s subject line if it has nothing to do with that
email.  For example, sending out an email bragging
to your friends about
an upcoming winter holiday to Switzerland entitled “Ringley Brothers
Elephants Attack” might lead to general confusion.  Email, devoid
of verbal inflection or physical demonstration is confusing enough as
is, don’t make your life or your reader’s life harder!

3.  While the IM and txt msg (or
SMS) has made it increasingly easy to shrtn wrds and redefyne spelling,
it remains a good idea to continue using proper English with all its
rules and regulations when emailing a group of people you may or may
not know otherwise, you run the risk of your readers taking you for a
complete imbecile though you hold three separate degrees in
microbiology, electrical engineering and dance.

4.  Unless you are desperate for
all the recipients to know one another, are setting up matchmaking or
are on more than cordial speaking terms with all of them please refrain
from putting EVERYBODY’S email addy in the “To” box.  It makes us
wonder why–we with our last names in the A’s–were thought of
somewhere in the middle behind the L’s and this could very well lead to
jealous retribution.  In addition, we may, having not read this
entry, decide to send a scathing email back to you which unfortunately
reaches the eyes of the aforementioned Reverend who upon reading our
vitreolic missive immediately picks up the nearest phone to call you.

5.  When possible, don’t send
forwards!!!  When we receive emails entitled “FW:FWD:FW:FWD”, we
tend to bypass them.  Why?  Because somewhere deep within
ourselves, we realize that this email is not truly worthy of our
valuable time.  In fact, the more “FW/FWDs” the less important
that email becomes.  Who wants to read something that someone has
sent a million times?

6.  If you must send forwards,
for the love of all things good and right, clean them up!  Please
don’t send them with the forward in the forward seven times!  Take
the time to delete all the indications that the whole world and half of
Jupiter have received this self same email otherwise we might be forced
to bypass it straight to the trash (see #5).  Delete all those
annoying strange spaces and <<<<<>>>>>
that drive >>>>><<<us

<<<<<<<<crazy try



7.  DO NOT HIT REPLY ALL!  Nuff said.

8.  When sending emails detailing
the fabulous lives of werewolves found in darkest Romania, lost girls
named Penny Brown or Kimberley Leons, AIDS impregnated drug needles
placed in the handles of gas pumps, lonely medical students
who–delighted that someone finds them
attractive– agreeing to one night stands awaken woozy and reading
“call 911, i took your kidney” smeared in red lipstick on the bathroom
Gates/Microsoft/AOL spontaneously handing out half a billion in cash
and merchandise to anyone forwarding the email or evasion of rapists
posing as policemen by dialing #77 or *677; PLEASE think before you
willy-nilly accost our email boxes.  We have enough SPAM from
various third world aristocrats in need of our bank accounts to deposit
enough stolen gold, diamonds, jade, tumeric, curry or what-have you to
buy a small country, without you adding to it.  Check your stories
(if you’re interested in downloading a searchlet that finds hoaxes for
you…but then again, it could be a hoax)

9.  If you are Yahoo IM’ing someone and they dare to not respond
after approximately 2 seconds, please refrain from “buzzing”
them.  Buzzing is highly irksome and most likely the person is
being barraged by at least 25 random Indians, 10 Pakistanis and 4
UAEmirites proclaiming their everlasting love or wondering how in the
world s/he knows about bhangra, the partition or hijabs.  Just
wait, let them fight the bots, ignore the incessant boorish chatters
and then return to what will by that time seem a sane conversation with

10.  Speaking of chatting, if you don’t know how to speak English
properly, please refrain from talking to someone who does.  It
becomes highly irritating to the English speaker to deciper “i und that
u r giving escape window that dont come here with u “.  It is also
a damned nuisance to repeatedly explain why we aren’t married, dating
or even remotely interested in internet sex.  In fact, the
“ignore” list/button has become for us, a thing of beauty!

We are sure that there are as many
rules to traversing the net as there are grains of sand–however the
night is far advanced and we are weary so we wait with bated breath for
your contributions to the world of Netiquette.

Good night.

About papillion

Intense Often Moody Transparent Exquisitely sensitive Animated Never satisfied Curious Eternal Romantic Creative Devotedly Christian Encouraging Multi-layered Loving Quick Judge Critical Forever evolving View all posts by papillion

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