My mother died 6 years and almost 7 months ago.  Holidays are the hardest, especially
Thanksgiving and Christmas, one on the heels of the other.  At first, I cried.  All the time. 
Everywhere.  In my sleep too.  People would ask me to their houses for the holidays
and I wouldn’t go—afraid that my sudden outbursts of tears would depress
everybody else.  When I finally felt able
to go to other people’s houses, I would still cry sometimes.  Sometimes I cried in the living room and
other times it was in the bathroom.  I’ve
never stopped crying, I just don’t cry as regularly or as much.  And that’s a good thing because crying hurts
my head.

I cried today too.  My
father and I went through a difficult few years where we didn’t speak to one
another because he remarried so quickly after my mother died and because I
didn’t like her.  I felt like she was a
vulture.  I also didn’t like her because
while I was away at medical school, my father was courting her and leaving my
then 14 year old brother to fend for himself with no food or money in the
house.  I’ve forgiven him but the pain is
still there.  Last year, I asked him for
forgiveness for my lack of devotion and love because I felt that God was
calling me to a higher standard.  I
fought it for years though.  Finally, I
realized that God would deal with my father (Vengeance being His domain).  I don’t harbor as much hatred against my
father as I once did and sometimes I even pity him because he won’t realize
just how much he’s lost in his relationships with his children until he’s much
older. 

So from time to time, I think about how my father has not
been there for either one of us and it pisses me off, or it makes me
despair.  There was one year that he
didn’t fill out some form and I wasn’t able to get my scholarship that would
enable me to live for the school year and I ended up paying through the credit
cards.  I am now so much in debt that I
can’t get another credit card and my credit is shot.  And I’m not working so I can’t pay it all off
in a lump sum.  All I can do is pay a
little bit at a time.  Normally I don’t
think about how my father abandoned us because I’m too busy living my life, but
today I did.  Because today I was
informed that they have bought a high definition flat screen television.  Because these are the same people who tell me
they have no money to give us but they can afford a FLAT SCREEN HI DEF
TELEVISION!

So I cried.  I sat
down on the temple floor and talked with Jesus. 
I called his name numerous times because I couldn’t say anything else.  I told Him that when I come before Him I
don’t know what to say sometimes because He’s heard it all before and I’ve said
it so many times.  And this time I told
Him that it wasn’t fair.  It wasn’t fair
that we’re struggling to pay our bills and they’re buying hi def tvs.  And I remembered that if Mommy were here,
none of this would have happened.  I
would never have had my nervous breakdowns, ending up on Celexa and counseling,
taking two years off of medical school and failing the Boards three times.  I would never have ballooned to my current
size, lost so much of my confidence or died a thousand deaths during my
suicidal days.  Then I just sighed
because I didn’t know what else to do.  I
sat there, tears, shaking my head, asking God when He would come to rectify the
pain in the hearts of my suffering loved ones. 
And the pain in my heart. 

About papillion

Intense Often Moody Transparent Exquisitely sensitive Animated Never satisfied Curious Eternal Romantic Creative Devotedly Christian Encouraging Multi-layered Loving Quick Judge Critical Forever evolving View all posts by papillion

2 responses to “

  • elsbro

    I wish I had the right words to make you feel better.
    I don’t think I can quite possibly understand what you’re going through.
    All I can say is that I most likely wouldn’t have survived my tumultuous years with my father, if I’d lost my mother too.
    So, you’re stronger that you think; and our fathers… they’re human.
    Incredibly selfish, greedy, self-absorbed human beings who always put themselves first.
    It’s nice and very adult of you to forgive your father; but if you don’t sit and have a conversation with him about how much he’s hurt you, you’ll always find yourself going back to that place of hurt at every jolt.
    You have to be a little selfish too, either you learn to live your life accepting that he’s what he is or make him understand that he hurt you and you need his help to deal.
    I believe that’s the only way to get through this.

  • Anonymous

    You already know

    People are caking something crazy with the cash flow right now. I don’t have anything to say, but I’m just on my grind right now. And even so, things are as we’d like them to be, but who knows what might have been had Mommy not died. We can’t say whether or not it would have been better or worse – no one knows. Don’t sweat the HDTV though, in about 5 years we’re both gonna be caking something crazy! Talk about bank, shit, I’ma make a National Bank of Yaw – tell the competition to catch up. I’ll holla.

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