Perfect Love: Contemplation I

Never let yourselves fear anybody or anything.  No fear of My failing you.  No fear that your faith will fail you.  No fear of poverty or loneliness.  No fear of not knowing the way.  No fear of others.  No fear of their misunderstanding.

I have always struggled with fear.  Fear of not being good enough to make the grade in order to pass the exam.  Fear of not being smart enough to impress those who need to be impressed.  Fear of not being able to have a “bad day” because, as a black woman I am ALWAYS on display in the arena of my vocation.  Fear of not having enough energy to survive the next onslaught of late loan checks, credit card payments, empty gas tanks, unrequited love and “fat days”.  Fear of not having enough faith to believe that God could use a weak person like me.  Fear that one day I won’t have somebody in my life b/c I have been chosen by God to remain single so that I could focus more on Him and not on him.  Fear that I won’t get out of medical school without burning my soul.  Fear that people will see my laughter, dance, energy and humor as merely expressions of my “blackness” and not of my spirit.  Fear that people won’t take me seriously.  Fear that I am too much for people.

And recently I’ve been wondering where my life will go as far as residency is concerned. All the CA schools turned me down, a few others turned me down and I’m waiting for a few. I’ve gotten two interview offers, one here and another in AZ. And you’re supposed to have at least 4-5 different interviews so you have options. Somehow I thought that even though I didn’t do well on step I, God would somehow work it out so that the programs looked at me and not my board scores. I don’t think that happened so now I’m wondering what will happen with residency. I would like to apply to more schools but I currently don’t have any money to apply. And step II is coming up in January and I’m not thrilled about it. So there’s a lot to be fearful and anxious about this December of 2005.

With these thoughts swirling about my mind, I have felt myself grow restless: apprehension makes a bad companion. I don’t know if I have what it takes to make it through the next few weeks and that scares me.

About papillion

Intense Often Moody Transparent Exquisitely sensitive Animated Never satisfied Curious Eternal Romantic Creative Devotedly Christian Encouraging Multi-layered Loving Quick Judge Critical Forever evolving View all posts by papillion

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