When It Rains…

Never mind that my axles need to be fixed. Never mind that I only have
three interviews for residency.  Never mind that I am in debt up
to my ears.  Never mind that my brake light is malfunctioning or
that my front left blinker light is out.  Never mind that I am in
the negative in my bank.  Never mind that my Step II is in about
four weeks and I don’t have money to afford Kaplan QBank.  Never
mind that this Christmas I spent away from my family.  Never mind
that I need to apply for citizenship and wonder every once in a while
if the government will come looking for me to deport me.  Never
mind that I can’t pay my bills. Never mind that I’m tired of
living.  Never mind that I’m tired of constantly persevering,
persisting, pushing through; defying odds.  Never mind that I am
physically, emotionally, mentally and spiritually WEARY, FATIGUED,
DRAINED.  Never mind that my life has been one struggle after
another.

I just came back from dropping off this guy whose ride from the airport
to his house broke down and he asks me: “What’s that?” as he points to
the windshield.  And to my horror I see a large low lying crack
running horizontally from one end of the windshield to the other
end.  Where did it come from?  I didn’t notice it today when
I took AC to the Enterprise!  And it’s internal.  Who knows
how much that will cost?  I could cry.  I could sit down
outside in the cold snow and cry.  But I won’t.  Because
tears can’t take away any of what’s going on inside me right now.

Somewhere along the line, one of these days–I’m going to be
alright.  One of these days I’m going to wake up and not wish I
was someone else.  One of these days my heart won’t be
breaking.  One of these days I’m going to walk into the
sunshine.  One of these days I’m going to be able to say that life
used to be hard, but it’s not anymore.  One of these days I’m
going to stop struggling, stop fighting, stop.  One of these days
I’m going to be taken out of the furnace.  One of these days my
faith will work it out.  One of these days I’m gonna rise up
singing. 

One of these days. 

I just hope it won’t be the day I die.

About papillion

Intense Often Moody Transparent Exquisitely sensitive Animated Never satisfied Curious Eternal Romantic Creative Devotedly Christian Encouraging Multi-layered Loving Quick Judge Critical Forever evolving View all posts by papillion

2 responses to “When It Rains…

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