I went to bed around 3am this morning and woke up about six hours later. I spent my NYD napping and numbing myself with hours of television. It seemed a good way to keep from thinking. I spent the wee hours of the morning in strange television induced dreams and woke up anxious. I prayed. I read my devotional. I tried to pep-talk myself into some mode of confidence. Then I walked out of the house into the rain, thoughts of impending stress circling around my cranium. I spent almost half an hour standing in the rain, umbrella cocked back to cover my bag. Oddly enough, it was nice to be outside even in the rain. There was something about just being outside, away from four man-made walls and other me-made walls that made me feel better.
While I stood there, staring down Murray Ave in hopes of seeing a PAT bus, I thought it would be interesting to look at Pgh as if it was some middle-sized city in England, close to London. I don’t daydream often about changing the actual place that I am in, but this time I tried it and it worked. I started thinking how interesting it was that this “city” had such a strong Jewish presence. I wondered about the people getting in and out of their cars and the man standing under the eave of a business, smoking. I wondered about the different restaurants and what it must feel like to be these English people, living out their lives as I a traveler watched them. It helped me. I didn’t think about my exam, my past failures, my small faith, my loneliness. I didn’t think about my Mommy, or my car, poverty, struggle or interviewing. I didn’t think about being a Christian and all its difficulties or how strong my feelings were that sometimes threatened to overwhelm me. I just wondered about everybody else. And thought how interesting to be in England, raining, waiting for the local bus to drop by.