dancing my troubles away

Deja Vu last night was fun.  More so because it was
necessary.  After studying all day with Naija B I hopped the bus
and went home.  While I was praying I started crying–mostly b/c
of all the heaviness in my heart secondary to my life and I called my
Aunty J.  She’s wonderful.  Well, we chatted for a bit and
she helped me with my issue of bringing the same issues to
Christ.  Somewhere, deep down inside me I believe that I should be
able to just handle stuff, and that bringing the same issues to the
throne room is equivalent to saying that I don’t have enough
faith/endurance to just accept and move on.

She reminded me that when we surrender issues to Christ, He takes them
and we begin to truly see His hand moving in our lives.  Before
that we are so busy holding on, carrying, shifting the burdens around
that we don’t see Christ with his Hands held out to take them from
us.  Me? I feel guilty that I still have the pains that I
do.  I want to go before God and say “See, I don’t feel bad
anymore.  and see, I know that feelings are ephemeral and that you
are ever-lasting and that your word is just, true and forever and I
don’t feel bad anymore b/c I
have faith.”  But that’s B.S b/c I do feel bad.  It hurts
when I think about not passing the Boards the first time, or not having
a father or a mother the past six years, or not having enough money to
buy groceries, or not having someone in my life, or having to study all
the frigging time, or that my Aunties are stuck in love-less painful
marriages, or that I can’t do everything that I want to do for my
brother.  It hurts when I see former classmates finishing
residency while I persevere on, studying for Step II.  And most of
the time I can just be, but if I’m really honest with myself; I know
that the pain of being me is still there.  And though I know that
I should feel grateful to be alive, to be breathing, in my own sane
mind, surrounded by friends who love and care for me, and having some
family who truly love me, listen and pray for me; sometimes a part of
me wants to lash out and scream.  Scream for everything that’s
ever gone wrong.

Instead I go dancing.  Yup, I go out dancing.  I dance and
dance and dance and i don’t give a flying fig who is or who isn’t
watching.  I dance b/c the music allows me to express myself and
forget myself and for a few hours, I’m free.  And when I’m done, I
go home, shower and sleep peacefully.  Who knows, I may go out
again tonight???


About papillion

Intense Often Moody Transparent Exquisitely sensitive Animated Never satisfied Curious Eternal Romantic Creative Devotedly Christian Encouraging Multi-layered Loving Quick Judge Critical Forever evolving View all posts by papillion

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