After taking the boards yesterday i’m feeling the jitteries. 

It was hard yall.  There were
moments when i just couldn’t focus and had to call on Christ to bring
me back.  And you know?  He did.  I would start to get
disappointed and call on Him and within a few moments, there would be a
calming of my spirit.

It’s hard not to feel some jitteries after such a major exam. But yesterday’s devotional went as follows:

You pray for
Faith, and you are told to do so.  But I make provision in the
House of My Abiding for those who turn towards Me and yet have weak
knees and hearts that faint.  Be not afraid. I am your God. 
Your Great Reward.  Yours to look up and say, “All is well.”

I am your
Guide.  Do not want to see the road ahead.  Go just one step
at a time.  I very rarely grant the long vista to My disciples,
especially in personal affairs, for one step at a time is the best way
to cultivate Faith.

You are in
uncharted waters.  But the Lord of all Seas is with you, the
Controller of all Storms is with you.  Sing with joy.  You
follow the Lord of Limitations, as well as the God in whose service is
perfect freedom.

He, The God of
the Universe, confined Himself within the narrow limits of a Baby-form
and, in growing Boyhood, and young Manhood, submitted to your human
limitations, and you have to learn that your vision and power,
boundless as far as spiritual things are concerned, must in temporal
affairs submit to limitations too.

But I am with
you.  It was when the disciples gave up effort after a night of
fruitless fishing, that I came, and the nets broke with the
overabundance of supply.

So I’m praying that my faith, my
work, my hope will all be rewarded in this lifetime with a great score
and a wonderful residency spot. 

It can be overwhelming though.  knowing that so much seemingly
depends on so little.  Not passing step one hurt like hell and
it’s the reason my application wasn’t as strong as it could be and that
just doesn’t make me happy about step two.  Sometimes i wish that
i could bypass these national exams where so much is called into
question.  How can anyone truly know how good a person is going to
be by one score?  Then again, we have to have some standard way of
ensuring that everyone is up to par.  I just wish i wasn’t one of
those people who struggles so much.

God enabled me to pass every exam i’ve taken since the boards, why wouldn’t I pass this time? 

whew…the dark alleys of my self-deception…

Where i walk through, side-stepping my own doubts–disbelieving that I can, that my God will. Always pausing when I hear the footsteps of past failures, wondering when they’ll catch up with me. Forgetting that those echos are reminiscent of what I’ve been through, NOT who I am. Just stopping short of the shimmery light that falls, slicing the cobblestones of my worries, illuminating the beauty of the crucible. It’s easy to get lost in those dark alleys–stinking of panic, rotting dreams and lost ambitions.


About papillion

Intense Often Moody Transparent Exquisitely sensitive Animated Never satisfied Curious Eternal Romantic Creative Devotedly Christian Encouraging Multi-layered Loving Quick Judge Critical Forever evolving View all posts by papillion

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