My Head Is Spinning

In the animated stories of Madeline, the caretaker, Miss Clavel will wake up in the middle of the night when she senses something is wrong.  She sings “Something is not right, something is quite wrong. 
Something is not right and so I sing this song” 

These days I wake up, more often than not, with the feeling of “something is not right, something is quite wrong”.  It’s that disconcerting feeling in your chest that radiates up into your neck where it becomes a lump of unshed tears. 

I could end up matching.
I could end up not matching.
If that happens I could scramble or I could look for research to do for a year before applying again.

I don’t know what to do.  Advisor type people think I should do research. 
Me–I don’t know?  Maybe that year would be good for rest.  I finally got my mind wrapped around doing research and was looking forward to a year outside of medicine just to be.

But what about having to re-apply, interview, match again?  Who wants to do that?  And haven’t I waited long enough to do this doctor thing?

I don’t know what to do.  I have no wisdom regarding this situation–none whatsoever.

And me and Jesus are working through stuff.  I’m going through a paradigm shift in my perception of my relationship with Christ.  Moving away from loving God for what He does to loving God for who He is.  The quandary?  I can understand a person by what s/he says to me, to others, about her/himself and by what s/he does whether alone, one-on-one or in a group.  This is how I know what a person is like–by what s/he does.  I transferred that to Christ.

 I know who God is by what He has said, done in my life and in the life of others.  Yet, how do I keep that balance where I don’t focus so much on what He does that I miss out on who He is?  If, like in this case with my failing the Boards, I am looking at God to do and He doesn’t–I’m crushed.  I feel that God’s love is in His actions and if I am struggling this much, what have I done to lose God’s love?  When I can only see that this is the normal course of things as far as med school is concerned.

So between learning about absolute trust and surrender to God, trying to figure out this whole residency business, finishing up medical school and attempting to maintain cordial relationshps with people I’m somewhat of a mess…

About papillion

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One response to “My Head Is Spinning

  • daidraemer

    Hi hon

    Long time no see.
    I’m sorry you’re going through such a rough time of it. Transitions can suck, and uncertainty certainly does. I hope you know soon, and that you find your balance again soon.

    Faith interweaves with uncertainty and adversity in interesting ways.

    I think that my perspective/relationship with God is an interesting one. To me, God is, and that’s all. Good and bad happen simply because they exist, and they aren’t connected to God thru action, or really at all, other than that God is all. Things that we see as bad are really just how the universe balances things, and how we learn. I don’t try to comprehend, because i know i can’t, and i actually find that comforting.

    Think of it this way– if my parents’ first marriages hadn’t been so bad, if my half sister wouldn’t have been sick, my parents never would have met and my brother and i never would have been born. I realize that in the grand scheme of things i am no more significant than a grain of sand, but think of all of the people my brother and i have influenced and effected, even if it was only for a fleeting moment– a smile to a stranger, a held-open door. I have no way of knowing what impact i have made on the tapestry that is every day life– none at all, or a giant swath.

    And you are the same way. If you find a school you love and that loves you, that will be wonderful, and i will congratulate you until i’m blue in the face– i hope it does happen. But if not, you are a strong and smart and beautiful person, and you will find some other way to help people and keep your brain active. You may find something that you like better than medicine, or it may just be a small detour on your way that will teach you an incalcuable amount. There’s no way to know, because the future is intangible.

    Things WILL work out.

    In may ways, i understand Christian views on God– i was raised Roman Catholic, and there are many paralells between all Christian religions. But for me, seeing God as an encompassing, infinite force that i can and should never comprehend is more comforting. Everything happens for a reason, and i just have to be at peace with the fact that very probably, i will never understand.

    I do hope things work out for you the way you want.
    But i KNOW that things will work out for you, just maybe not in the way you anticipate.

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