In the animated stories of Madeline, the caretaker, Miss Clavel will wake up in the middle of the night when she senses something is wrong. She sings “Something is not right, something is quite wrong.
Something is not right and so I sing this song”
These days I wake up, more often than not, with the feeling of “something is not right, something is quite wrong”. It’s that disconcerting feeling in your chest that radiates up into your neck where it becomes a lump of unshed tears.
I could end up matching.
I could end up not matching.
If that happens I could scramble or I could look for research to do for a year before applying again.
I don’t know what to do. Advisor type people think I should do research.
Me–I don’t know? Maybe that year would be good for rest. I finally got my mind wrapped around doing research and was looking forward to a year outside of medicine just to be.
But what about having to re-apply, interview, match again? Who wants to do that? And haven’t I waited long enough to do this doctor thing?
I don’t know what to do. I have no wisdom regarding this situation–none whatsoever.
And me and Jesus are working through stuff. I’m going through a paradigm shift in my perception of my relationship with Christ. Moving away from loving God for what He does to loving God for who He is. The quandary? I can understand a person by what s/he says to me, to others, about her/himself and by what s/he does whether alone, one-on-one or in a group. This is how I know what a person is like–by what s/he does. I transferred that to Christ.
I know who God is by what He has said, done in my life and in the life of others. Yet, how do I keep that balance where I don’t focus so much on what He does that I miss out on who He is? If, like in this case with my failing the Boards, I am looking at God to do and He doesn’t–I’m crushed. I feel that God’s love is in His actions and if I am struggling this much, what have I done to lose God’s love? When I can only see that this is the normal course of things as far as med school is concerned.
So between learning about absolute trust and surrender to God, trying to figure out this whole residency business, finishing up medical school and attempting to maintain cordial relationshps with people I’m somewhat of a mess…