Last week Thursday was my birthday and what a birthday it turned out to be yall. So WP and Queenie told me they were taking me out to dinner on Thursday and that on Saturday there would be a party at Queenie’s. So I’m inviting all these people to Queenie’s right??? And on Thursday WP and Queenie take me to Bangkok Balcony and when I get there…well…20 or so of my closest friends are sitting there!!!
So of course my rather elastic face goes through about 17 permutations of confusion, surprise, happiness and excitement! Yup yall, they played me! Told me I was gonna have a party but in actually set me up for a dinner with my friends!!!! And you know what–it was stealthy as a mug! Sista girl had NO CLUE what was really good. I basked in the glory of my 29th in true love.
I got two sets of flowers, a candle set, various cards, friendship book, manuals on living well on a budget, nice dress pants and jewelry, lots of Shah Rukh Khan dvd love and complimentary dessert. Talk about love! I thought I was gonna cry and hugged everyone at least 1000 times.
Then Saturday Queenie hosted a party where I danced until there was nothing left…yall know I slept well that night! My girl from CWRU Damana rolled up to visit us during part of her Printemps break. It was wonderful to see her. Girlfriend is solid! One of those people whom you believe in–not that many around nowadays you know. Yet and still God blesses me beyond belief with the sheer outpouring of love, safety, acceptance and challenge that my friends provide.
Can be found singly in different people, but when God pours these gifts into people whom He sends to uphold you–well, that’s…that’s…that’s…
Growing up as a fat, super-sensitive kid I spent most of my nights weeping into my pillows at night; pleading with God to recall my Spirit back to Him, frustrated that I was such an ugly being, unable to live up to my parent’s expectations and uncomfortable around other children–comparing my faults to their beauty. How many times did I soar out of my misery into my books? How often did I flagellate myself? How much of myself did I hate? All of it yall, all of it.
How can a 9 year old contemplate the beauty of vengeance by suicide? What mental torment is there in the life of a young girl that she can not see the God in her? So locked up in her mental slavery that emancipation is impossible? And now, though I still struggle with accepting that God don’t make ugly–that His Spirit shines love and beauty in me–I am not so lost. I am not a prisoner of my own darkness. Not anymore. I am free. I am free because she whom the Son sets free is free indeed.
So my friends mean more to me than they know. They are my persistent reminders that I am worthy of love, worthy of living, worthy of life.
And I won’t make any excuses to anyone about my laugh, my living, my passion. I won’t stoop to hide myself behind the shield of my weight. I won’t sit idly by; passively dreaming my life away.
I will love.
I will live.
I will hug.
I will skip down Hobart as Matisyahu lifts my spirits.
I will kiss.
I will cook.
I will wear yellow.
I will spray perfume on mean-spirited people.
I will dance
I will pray
I will sing off-key
I will rock to the rhythm of the thunderstorm
I will write my sorrows away
I will cry because my eyes are too full
I will dream but this time…
I won’t wait…
For life to come to me