I had one of those not so pretty days today.
I studied. Afterwards felt rotten getting so many questions wrong, acquiring a headache and generally despising having to study when I really want to relax which leads to general crabbiness and disgust with myself and my lot. That only added to my general ugliness. Everhave those days when you think; “I look nice, maybe even pretty” and then you see pictures of yourself and you look horrible? Yeah, so I saw pictures of myself from last week and they weren’t pretty. My face was contorted and I just looked unpretty. So walking around a college campus feeling unpretty, fat, old and stupid doesn’t quite lift the spirits–no matter how much Matisyahu you listen to.
So as I was walking across campus entertaining thoughts of ugliness, I saw D. Thankfully he didn’t see me even though we were going the same way.
Then I run into Lisa whom I haven’t seen in donkey’s years and she is just so happy about my graduating! She’s laughing, encouraging me and making me laugh too. Then as I go to grab an iced 3000 calorie buckles sweet goodness, I run into Alvin and then Kenosha who both popped out of Caribou to holla. That made me feel not so ugly but more on the loved side. It was just so nice y’know when I’m locked up inside my dark mirror to “randomly” come across people who genuinely care for me.
I know that I made this great manifesto to keep laughing, smiling, etc but it’s a working manifesto. One of those things you look at and hope it will propel you into some sort of happy action on your own behalf on those ugly days.
And then I went to this match thingy where I was supposed to talk about the match process but was rendered feeling insignificant b/c the students only had questions for the residency director and I felt that the bits of knowledge that I had to impart weren’t even recognized as such! So I spent an hour and a half sitting there throwing in bits of how-tos in-between the director’s amusingly witty anecdotes. Thinking that today is just not my day; I left there feeling dejected and useless and stressed about taking my boards, about passing, about being intelligent enough to do well in Miami.
Please don’t ask–I know God has this in the palm of His hands. I just need to learn to let go of my weirdness.
And then there’s the whole spring-time and folks is holding hands and getting engaged and i haven’t even DATED for goodness sakes. I once asked God to make it such that my first boyfriend was my last husband which MUST explain why I can’t even get a date with someone whom I am even remotely interested. Dude, I’m 29! I can’t be so ugly as to not be found attractive by one decent person out there! Who wants to attract people who aren’t attractive to you (mentally, personality-wise, spiritually etc)
Which brings up the whole ugly, black and fat and why don’t any of my Aunties want to even TRY to hook me up with anyone and I’m going to Miami where everyone is walking around drop-dead gorgeous and there’s me. So by now I’m wanting to disappear.
I know it’s not good to disappear but sometimes that’s exactly what I want to do. Physically disappear–just shrink into nothing so that I don’t have to see myself going through the day. I call WP and am glad that she’s having a GOOD day. I call Antoine but he’s not around. I call KB and speak with her for a few minutes before I get on the 61D (which is not as rare a bird as the 61F).
Sitting on the bus, brooding over my general lot in life then moving over at the CMU stop for a slim white brunette to sit next to me. He’s looking at me a few times and I’m wondering if he wants to talk to me ’cause he has that eagerness about him. I look at him and he’s looking away. He looks at me and I’m looking away. And then some girl says something stupid and I laugh. He laughs, says something witty–a conversation is sparked. We both want to talk but don’t know how to start.
He’s in his first yearof his Masters in Public Policy at CMU; recently moved here from Oakland CA where he spent 3 years teaching sixth graders. It’s a big jump and he agrees with me that a lot of the CMU folk are “off”. He tells me he wants to go back into primary education to address issues of discrepancy and inequality in education. We have a congenial discussion and before he gets off he nudges me, tells me that he’s enjoyed talking to me and gets off the bus.
At this point I’m thinking that God is having one of those “I refuse to let my child think she’s worse than what I made her to be. After all–I don’t make ugly”. Why else do I keep running into people who initiate amusing conversations that force me out of my foul mood?