wake cry sleep

i woke up this morning crying from a dream in which i was crying.  i miss my Mother.  in fact i’m sure that my hibernation is mostly secondary to that.  turning 30 is painful without my mother.

the questions are there sometimes–the why did she have to go, without the pain/bitterness.  but that familiar hollowness is there.  i don’t try to hide it–takes too much energy.  in fact i’ve been thinking about doing some therapy (we get 6 free months as part of the program) to help me with the process.  i don’t know if i should.  i was also thinking of joining a support group for people who have lost loved ones to cancer but i think to myself, why start a process that might create more pain?

it is as if the world were too much with me these days.  it’s been a long time since i woke up with tears streaming down my face, weeping.  a loooong time.

it’s not a nice feeling.

i am drawing into myself.  my apt is messy and i don’t care.  my days/nights/afternoons off are filled with aimless tasks–chatting, emailing, surfing youtube.com.  i have no desire to go out and when i do i start to regret it.  too much activation energy needed.  my sleep is not too long, short; no oversleeping as my body wakes me up easily.

it’s tiresome.

my immune system is off.  i’ve been ill on and off since middle of January.  i feel weak, drained, QUIET.  i know there’s quite a bit for me to do in the upcoming 5 months:

1) get hotel room(s) for bday bash end of month
2) save up enough to find new apt
3) take Step 3
4) go to my brother’s graduation
5) help my brother with moving etc
6) get healthier
7) study more psych
8) fix AC in my car prior to heat wave of july
9) fix front window of my car prior to aforementioned heat wave
10) move

what do i want to do?  sit in my house, watching movies and checking email.

it’s life.

About papillion

Intense Often Moody Transparent Exquisitely sensitive Animated Never satisfied Curious Eternal Romantic Creative Devotedly Christian Encouraging Multi-layered Loving Quick Judge Critical Forever evolving View all posts by papillion

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