I always remember the Zora Neale Hurston quote “Sometimes I feel discriminated against, but it does not make me angry. It merely astonishes me. How can any deny themselves the pleasure of my company? It’s beyond me.”
Then I also think of what my father wrote to me in his book o’ wisdom: “To hate another human being b/c of his color is to insult the integrity of God. In His wisdom He determined what colors to give to anything He created. I pray to God to fill me with compassion for anyone who hates me because he dislikes the color of my skin“
I will be okay. I think I’m going through a time of absolute dependence and waiting on God. My human strength and understanding can’t make sense of my circumstances or of how God will move in my life. I am at a place where I can’t seem to get excited about my future, mostly b/c my future is a blank slate. I have spent over half my life striving to become a physician and now that I am actually here; well I don’t know what else to do with myself. Do I need some kind of crusade? Do I need something tangible to work toward like the attainment of a degree? Do I have to learn how to re-think what my life is supposed to be? How do I maintain the “being here and being thankful” mentality when I’ve always had that go-get-that-thing-over-there mind…
At this stage of the game I suppose I saw that this was one domino in the chain of my life’s events. Somehow getting the MD heralded a space of joy, of happiness, of security and I find that is not necessarily so. I am continually reminded that life’s pleasures do not lie exclusively in the attainment of a degree, of a social status, of a marriage and sometimes it saddens me that it doesn’t. That somehow I can’t make my life okay with me.
I am also tired. Residency is nothing easy. The grind of working so many hours, sleeping but not resting, dealing w/ people’s emotional torment is wearing me down. I know that this is what God has for me as far as career–I can’t see myself doing internal medicine or surgery or pathology but my friend; psychiatry is no walk in the park. I find that my emotional reserves are low and that I can’t make them fill up on my own. I need God to do that. I need God to take care of me. He will. I know. I sometimes wish He were tangible; like Jesus was for the disciples. That He would physically hug me.
I want to be taken care of instead of taking care of. 🙂 Growing up means taking responsibility for aspects of life that you know others can not. Growing up means shouldering some burdens that in an ideal world you wouldn’t have to and it means not being selfish. I am struggling with that right now. Really struggling to stop comparing my blessings with others and to ask God to show me mercy and compassion. We can’t have everything that we want.