never say never

I did something two days ago that I never thought I would.

No I didn’t drunk dial my old Desi love.

I emailed him.

SIKE! 

I googled a college friend, found his email and emailed him.  I told him how much he meant to me back then and that while our relationship didn’t end well, I had often thought of him and wished him well.

I didn’t know what to expect.  I was half thinking that he wouldn’t respond and if he did, that he would be tepid.  Why?  Because…well…read on…

No such luck!  In fact he was quite excited and grateful that I did email him.

I don’t know what will happen.  I don’t know what he’s become like in the past 8 years but he had the following snippits to say to me: 

…I am truly amazed and extremely delighted you took time out to send me an email after these many years – thank you…you are a wonderful and amazing individual that helped me become a better person….Looking back, you never made me feel like an outsider and I cannot say thanks enough to you for that…and I cannot vocalize the smile you have given me today….Anyway, I would love to hear more about what life is like for you if you would like to share….

Part of me never stopped loving him.  The other part couldn’t stand what he was doing to himself and after Mommy died, didn’t have time to deal with him.  He’s the one person in my life whom I have never been able to let go, partly because he was the first man I ever truly loved. 

From one perspective it seems hopeless.  How could I still love a man who treated me like crap towards the end of our relationship?  Because I knew that there was so much more to him than he was allowing himself to feel.  In fact, of all my friends I’ve ever had, he’s the one I have been the MOST in tune w/ insofar as his emotional state.  Not even Desi boy could top him in how well I could read him–when no one else could, or wanted to for that matter.

I don’t have any idea what he may be like now and I have no fatal thoughts that somehow we’ll find that beautiful golden place, get married and live happily ever after.  This is not Hollywood!  If it were…..ah…and if wishes were pennies…

I don’t even know how far our little communication will go.  He may end up saying something annoying or we won’t agree on something and then poof…away again lickety split!

It’s so easy to berate oneself for loving someone (esp when I know as much as I do about abusive relationships and how much some of what I’m saying may seem way too alike that type of excuse employed by those being abused). 

In fact I’ve kind of been a proponent of the “let ’em go, don’t look back b/c what’s done is done” philosophy.  I’ve always thought of life as a series of open and shut doors w/ hallways that let you go back in for a moment to reflect but never to stay.

Needless to say, I still care very deeply for him–the punk! 
And I am learning to allow myself that caring.  I’m finding that I am not immune to love.  I’m thinking it’s okay that I still care for him.  I’ve tried to stop my heart from holding that special place for him and it’s never worked.

I’m learning to be okay with that fact.

One of my wise Aunties once said to me: “No one knows what happens between the hearts of a man and a woman”. 

So there you are, a hopeless romantic w/ a concrete understanding of human emotional and cognitive evolution. 



About papillion

Intense Often Moody Transparent Exquisitely sensitive Animated Never satisfied Curious Eternal Romantic Creative Devotedly Christian Encouraging Multi-layered Loving Quick Judge Critical Forever evolving View all posts by papillion

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