to learn contentment in the midst of drama. to be unselfish when you feel like that makes you a vulnerable pawn in someone else’s game. i struggle so much with that. i feel that i am in a program where i lose my center too much. i don’t know how to just be me b/c i’ve never had so many people “call me out”. I don’t get it. the other day i was tired, very tired, my brother had come in from out of town and i had stayed up late only to have to get up early b/c i had a lot of work to accomplish that morning. i got to lecture tired. i ate my lunch and started falling asleep during the various lectures.
when we were done, one of my colleagues ask–out of the blue “are you okay, what’s wrong with you?” i know he cares but i would rather him ask me in private. the only thing that was wrong w/ me was that i was tired and i needed to get away from this place. i told him i was sleepy but he didn’t believe me. i’ve never in my life been somewhere people continue to question me about how i feel. i wish they would stop.
i try to be a good Christian–to let my light shine here but there are so many times when it feels like i’m being beaten down. i’m tired. i don’t understand the politics. this place is so convoluted and frustrating. there are a thousand rules and all i want to do is be quiet and finish. it’s not my nature to be down. it’s just that i’ve never had so much taken from me–never had to watch so much that didn’t make sense. the days when i’m doing alright, it’s easier to “let my light shine” but it’s those days when my heart just feels quiet and i don’t have that energy and i don’t know what is going on–those are the days when i turn inward b/c i don’t have anything to give out. those are the days when i would much rather not be seen or heard from.
why do i have to CONVINCE people that i get tired? why can’t they just accept it? they get tired. they have bad days. why can’t i just be? dear God, i’m tired of this. i just need a break–i need people to not bother me. i need some kind of strength or some kind of break through or something. i feel that the load on my back is too heavy. i don’t like what people expect of me. i think i’m going to lose my mind.
and the moodiness is going to do me in too.