i ran into a girlfriend of mine (“A”) at church today so we grabbed lunch and headed over to her apt. while we were there i called another girlfriend of mine (“B”) to wish her happy belated birthday and then handed her over to my other girlfriend.
well, once they were off the phone A told me how exhausted she was from talking w/ B. B is obsessed w/ finding a husband. Many women are in their early 30s. It becomes annoying though. B was in a long term relationship which didn’t work out and after a few years of kind of dating the wrong guys she’s looking for the right guy and it’s not easy. She doesn’t want to be on the “dating market” and at the same time she doesn’t want to be alone. Fair enough except for the part about how obsessive she can be about it all. Seriously seriously.
She’s lonely but doesn’t want to go out and make the effort to get to know guys. Now I’m not talking throwing yourself at XYs but you have to at the minimum go OUT of your apt! Home, church, work and back again will rarely net you the opportunities to meet eligible guys. Home? Nobody but you. Work? Most of the MDs are married or players and the other guys who are interested in her she’s not trying to be with (for good reasons, I’ll give her that). Church? She’s going to my church but not a member so she can’t be involved w/ all the ministries; besides, on Sundays she’s going for the Word and the Fellowship, not for the Fellas ;^)
She’s started to go out alone but more so on errands, other than that she doesn’t like to go DO things by herself [I’m talking dining in a restaurant or going to a show or the park or a festival or even to SoBe. I’m talking about finding activities that she likes and then going out so that there is a higher likelihood that she will meet people who share similar interests]
So it’s gonna be a big problem b/c if you’re always WITH someone, it’s hard to MEET someone and she always wants to go WITH someone. Many times I have met guys when I’m out and about doing my own thing. So she won’t diversify her interests.
Then she has weight issues. We ALL have weight issues. I’ve had my fair share of them but at the same time when I went out to dance w/ my girls/go shopping/to the theater for the most part my weight was not an issue. I’ve always been big so I’ve had a much longer time to think about it and come to terms with it. I try to dress in a manner that flatters me. She doesn’t. She gained weight in med school and kept it in residency and she is so stuck on the fact that she can’t find someone unless she’s 130 lbs that it inhibits her ability to open up and be personable. At the same time she isn’t making major efforts to lose weight. So she’s stuck. Stuck between a rock and a hard place. Stuck between indecision and ambivalence. And she’s so mired in lack of self-esteem that she can’t meet guys.
She tells me that she was once more outgoing and also more selfish. I say she’s gotten wiser in knowing that selfishness isn’t good in terms of fostering relationships but that doesn’t have to curtail your enthusiasm for life. She lacks confidence in this area and it’s interesting b/c she’s extremely confident at work. She’s gotten very high accolades and she’s in positions of authority in the program but that’s her “work/career”. She feels that she’s gotten that under control and she wants to have her personal aka ROMANTIC life under control as well. She’s so focused on having a guy and so wrapped up in that making her feel like a woman that she can’t see how many other ways she can live; can’t see that personal life doesn’t equate w/ having a man.
I try, as gently as possible to remind her that obsessing over finding a guy won’t make it happen any faster. And it’s starting to drive me batty listening to her talk about it so much. Again, I don’t shut her up or invalidate her feelings b/c she has a right to them. But man, is it wearying to always hear about that! I know that I’ve done it before. I’ve ranted and raved against everything known to man. I’ve obsessed left and right, h/e the difference lies in my cognizance that after a while it grates on the hearer. I learned early on in my hard-core griping days of med school that after a bit, I either had to find a way to solve the situation or I had to shut up. Put up or shut up b/c I was doing my friends a disservice by continually bringing up topics that weren’t easy for them to hear or understand.
She needs to become more happy w/ herself. If she’s not happy w/ herself she can’t be happy w/ another person. She can’t find her totality in herself. No one can. We find totality in the arms of The Lord Christ but in nothing else. If she continues to look for validation in someone else she will always be disappointed, stressed and vaguely disgruntled
She has a decision to make. Either hit the pavement, go to clubs and bars, on dating websites and lose weight or let it go. Let the whole thing go, give it up to God and let Him deal with it. And let Him help her focus on who she is, help her better herself and if it is to be, provide someone for her when they are BOTH ready.