i am so utterly drained.
when i was in med school, living through hell i never imagined that residency could be so emotionally taxing. the long hours. the constancy of patients. the never-ending pages. the 6 day work weeks w/ 80+ hours. the fatigue, fatigue and more fatigue. the loneliness. the stupid cry moments when your emotions are barely suppressed b/c your intern wakes you up from a sound sleep so that he can give you the pager.
the demands on your time. the daily grind. the knowledge that some of your loans need to be paid starting in july and you don’t know if you’ll be able to pay them and continue to set aside enough money to move to a better apt where you feel safer and more comfortable and (sans roaches).
the feeling of never knowing enough and often of not caring that you don’t know enough. the tiredness that overwhelms your senses and causes you to be barely able to get home from work before you pass out. the yelling and screaming from program coordinators and the machiavellan manuevers of your program directors. the absolute lack of caring of the residents from the program. the singularly malignant atmosphere where residents get paid nothing to carry an entire hospital system while attendings moan and groan about our inability to handle business that they should be handling. the dumping that occurs on you by other residents, by attendings and by other hospitals.
the desire to get away and never come back. the random crying during group therapy session b/c you’ve never felt so tired, so underappreciated, so overwhelmed and so tied down. in med school i could skip classes to recoup and i had friends to talk to but here – here i have acquaintances whom i can barely trust and some of whom expect me to carry them (hah!). being a leader is costly. and people caring enough to stand by your side through it all are few and far between.
i just came back from a conference in DC and it was amazing. it was so wonderful to be around like-minded individuals who care about people and about residents. it was good to be away from this place but now i’m back and like old wounds, the malaise has settled around me.
it would be nice to clean up my apt but i don’t care enough. it would be nice to pull all my ideas together into my idea book that i should have bought a long time ago but i can’t seem to wake up enough to do it. it would be nice to stay disciplined enough to do tae bo every day but part of me is tired of trying to work on all parts of myself and i’m tired of thinking about all parts of myself. in fact i’m tired of taking care of myself.
i’ve never wanted so much to have someone just take care of me. to have someone see to my needs and say, hey, i’ll help you clean up and hey i’ll drive you to walmart so you can buy your book and hey i’ll help you do your laundry and hey i’ll help you cook.
my program is in turmoil as they change the entire curriculum and residents are at each other’s throats.
and i am so sick of delayed gratification. so sick of it. i’ve been waiting for so many years and i’m tired of waiting now.