utterly inadequate

is how i feel.
i’ve been trying to fight it for a little while now, but the maudlins are settling back in.  i miss my Mommy.  i miss what could have been wonderful.  sometimes i think that i’m all worded out – that i don’t have anything else to say but then it feels like there is more, i just don’t know how to express it.  the emptiness from knowing that something is missing.  it’s a perpetual scar that reminds you of what you DON’T have, not what you do.  that plus the nasty milieu that is this place, financial stressors,concern about my brother’s well-being, concern about my own future and lackluster interest in what happens after this place; except to run madly away from anything medical and patient oriented and lack of growing social life and i’m on unhappy woman.

how can i be 31 and going through this?  what in the world is this?  isn’t your youth supposed to be fun, carefree, exciting?  instead i feel locked into a consuming career and unhappy life period.  i can’t see what’s good about this place and i don’t feel like trying anymore.

i prayed this morning and told God that i was sick of this place, this time, THIS.  that i don’t have the energy to keep a smile on my face or to deal with the sicknesses of other people – colleagues, superiors and patients alike.


About papillion

Intense Often Moody Transparent Exquisitely sensitive Animated Never satisfied Curious Eternal Romantic Creative Devotedly Christian Encouraging Multi-layered Loving Quick Judge Critical Forever evolving View all posts by papillion

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