[this post was written when i was 29 – a whopping 3 years ago! unfortunately much of it remains unchanged!]
I am 29 years old and most of my friends are single.
In this day that’s not normal.
What in the world is going on? Does it have to do with the fact that most of my friends are highly intelligent, black females who exist in professional realms where miscegenation is a sin, or at least taboo? After all how many black men do you find in medicine, law, engineering, public health, epidemiology, classical/stage/operatic music etc etc etc? And of the ones who are in our fields, how many of them like black women? Oh, I would say about 10%.
This sucks to no end. I’m not even sure what to do about it anymore. Dude, how many men are willing to branch out and meet women with brains and beauty? How many men are willing to allow a woman to reveal her own insecurities? Most men seem to want to run when they meet an independent, intelligent, all-there lady. We become intimidating.
INTIMIDATING???? Dude, how in the world am I intimidating beside the fact that I’m black? The only thing that comes to my mind that immediately sets up barriers is that b/c for sure if I was ANY other skin tone, I wouldn’t be sitting here on a Thursday night, wishing I had someone special of the male heterosexual type to hang out with for the evening. Dude, I’m CONVINCED that most people are scared of my skin color. The darker you are, the more amazingly frightening and fundamentally larger than life you become.
Residency doesn’t make it any easier. I leave the hospital at strange hours of the night, imagining what it would be like to walk out into the waiting car of my hunny instead of tramp through the lonely, deserted streets surrounding the hospital on my way to the parking garage. Residency don’t make your days any easier, people. In fact it makes you yearn for deeper, stronger companionship than ever before and I think that’s a fact all over the world.
I’m a hopeless romantic. Don’t let the madness fool you (I’ve been known to deny, defame, descry, down-grade) all aspects of romantic love, but I’m a fool for a good love story. I crave what I don’t have b/c my imagination has been fueled by years of romantic movies and novels. I create what I don’t know and as such my fantasies of finding love are full of windswept vistas and dark brooding eyes. Yup, I’m a fan of love. I will rant and rave against the vulnerabilities of such aforementioned romances though, ’cause sometimes they look really scary (huge deer in lights eyes).
My heart is too big which is why I’m all skittish. My vulnerabilities lay me out. I love too hard and too deep. Dang, I’m all mixed up.