just thinking about him

so i like Jersey crush.  the very first time i saw him, my heart did a strange turn about.  that was back in Philly

i saw him in DC w/ the organization.  fun times had by all.  he was very conscientious.  offered to help me take back water that i had bought, offered me some of his appetizer (Princess says he didn’t offer anyone else which is a sure sign that he’s into me).  returning from the vigil, he comments on how i don’t like to walk on grates.  and when surprise registers on my face – he says, “you see, i’ve been watching you” and “are you afraid to walk on them?  cuz i can take your hand and we can walk slowly one step forward”.  he stares at me all during dinner.   we sit together at the vigil.  he makes me laugh a lot.  as i’m deleting pictures from my camera, he’s furtively sneaking looks at the camera 

day two was much busier so i didn’t get to see him as much.  i missed him.  i’m such a mess. how do you miss someone you don’t really know?  he wished me good luck in the am w/ my stuff.  at the rally, he finally showed up (i texted him).  he comes around.  i see that whatever i am doing – from the corner of my eye – he’s watching me.  in the afternoon i text him about what’s going on w/ h. dean’s lecture.  he texts me back.  then he doesn’t.  so classic me, i think that i must be bugging him.  i get a call from the organizer saying she just heard i’m done – which means he told her.  

we figure out what’s going on, Princess and I and get back to the hotel cuz h. dean is talking in the other hotel and that place is jam-packed standing room only.  we get there.  we order food w/ him and the other girl.  of whom i am slightly jealous until i realize that she has an S.O.  he thinks she’s cool.  i can be cool with that.  he did call me “buddy” though.  absolute kiss of death, i think.

yet when he’s leaving he reminds me again he’ll be in the magic city in aug.  he tells me that i should bring Princess along.  he tells me to call him when i get back.  when i turn on the cellular after the plane drops to the ground, i see he texted me around 8ish.  it’s now 10ish.  he wanted to make sure i got home okay.  i’m loving it.

he made a remark at some point that referred to a picture i took in Philly.  and it hits me.  good grief – he remembers?  oh wow. how many times did he look through that album from may until now?  and he only made a couple of comments on the one picture w/ me and him.

from all he said over the past two days he’s one of those observing types.  he’ll watch me.  he’ll read my social networking site.  he’ll look at the pictures.  but he won’t always comment.  at least that’s what i think.  or maybe it’s what i want?

per Princess, he is very attracted to me.  sigh.  i can’t really tell too much.  i know he’s watching me. i know he’s interested in me – in my energy, my enthusiasm, in me.  and i think.  well, we’re getting closer.  *laugh*  i mean that the guys i first ever didn’t know i existed.  then they knew but were ambivalent.  then they knew but saw me only as a friend.  then the Sikh was attracted but it was complicated and strange.  now he’s attracted too, but he’s Jewish and i know his cultural ties are too strong and my relationship w/ Christ is too strong.  

so now he has to be bled out of my heart.  for the next 6 weeks.  cuz i see him then.  

what manner of madness IS THIS?? 

when i left to go to  Philly in May, i said “i’m going to find my boyfriend” – playfully yet halfway hoping.  could this be the boyfriend? and if so, why oh why, couldn’t he be a BELIEVER!!!  where are all the cool believers?  hiding?  where?  

aggravated sigh!


About papillion

Intense Often Moody Transparent Exquisitely sensitive Animated Never satisfied Curious Eternal Romantic Creative Devotedly Christian Encouraging Multi-layered Loving Quick Judge Critical Forever evolving View all posts by papillion

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