that’s how i am feeling right now. i’ve been saying that i need to get off this roller-coaster of medicine. i try to console myself with the thought that i am almost done — only 8 more months. then the worries start — what about step 3? you have to focus and study. what about next year — you have to pay your loans/bills/rent. what will you do? how can you avoid continuing to work? who will help to support you? how are you going to make it when you’re so tired of all of this — tired of people, tired of being empathetic when there’s no one physically here to put back into you, tired of thinking, tired of your house being messy but tired of cleaning every day. tired of having to figure things out on your own. tired of your weight. tired of being your own cheer-leader.
i spoke to the Lord this morning. told Him i wasn’t sure why or what or who. told him I couldn’t make it anymore. told Him I was at the end of my rope AGAIN. told Him i was beyond tired. told Him i couldn’t keep this pace up much longer. told Him about the anxiety in the pit of my stomach when i think of step 3. told Him i need a good thing to happen to me — suddenly, from nowhere. told Him that it was happening again. like it did the last year of med school. when i was just plum tuckered out and couldn’t see my left from my right. told him i didn’t mean to disrespect Him like the Israelites — if only this blah would go away. this fatigue that i can’t shake.
i’m at home now. resting up from a pretty bad head cold. i’m going to have to see a doc pretty soon. not sure what’s up w/ my immune system. been having allergies since feb and now this. ugh. i think i have a cold sore around my philtrum. i must be down to have a cold sore. i only get those when i’m SUPER stressed out and have an infection. lovely hunh? i wish i could just sleep all my troubles away. for months i’ve been daydreaming. i had to stop. it was making my life worse.
i feel better now that i have spilled this out. lighter somehow.