sometimes in conversing w/ friends, i am able to still the swirling emotions that surround my heart. case in point: recently i met again w/ an old flame (on my part that is) and i became thoroughly upset in the days after i saw him. but why? why was i so upset that he didn’t reciprocate my love? why was i upset that i ever loved him? why was i upset that i had residual emotions for him?
i typed out my feelings to a friend and boom — it hit me. and the clarification almost made me gasp. why did i feel this way?
b/c I wantedt him to say “I loved you too. just as you loved me, I loved you. after the years apart, i realized that i was just as gone over you as you were over me. what you felt wasn’t imagination or projected. it was true, b/c it’s what i felt too but i couldn’t/didn’t want to realize it.”
for once, i want to feel that my emotions weren’t just my own; that the chemistry we shared was not in my head. that the sheer force of our attraction (so strong that 4 yrs later, a random sales clerk asks me if “that is your sweetheart”) was just as pulling on him as it was on me. i want, for once, that someone I feel so deeply about, actually returned my feelings if only for a few moments.
that’s a hard pill to swallow for someone who has prided herself on her stoicism and “get-over-it-ism”. for someone who has often chucked aside the regards or impressions of others (or at least tried very hard to do so) for the sake of her own success.
but, is that too much to ask? is it too much to ask? i tire of rejected feelings and unrequited love.
i kind of want my heart to be locked down until the appropriate person comes along b/c it seems to me that I don’t know how to not love people in this way.
So now what? i mean, he gon be who he be, right? And no matter what the incongruences of his presentation, i’m left w/ the realities of my own heart. and sometimes that’s a pretty painful place to be.
i just keep praying and praying and praying cuz I don’t want to be hurt again like this and i don’t know how not to be hurt.