Today I talked with my Auntie.

I decided to ask her about September.  My father and his step-wife want to put on a formal event and that I don’t want one.  I emailed them to tell them all I want is the BBQ.  And that I would need $$ to get up there.

My father just called to see how I was doing.  Told him I’ve been better.  Told him I’m just waiting.  He said “well, I called if you wanted to talk.  and I’m not sure what is going on, if you wanted to talk. just called to see how you’re doing”.  then i asked him if he got my email.  told him.  he said “okay, well i’ll have to talk to Yaw”.  i said “okay”.  then he said “okay, alright”

funny, he sounded like he was in a hurry to get off the phone.

i just don’t have anything to say to him right now.

should i give him the benefit of the doubt? should i have told him that i feel overwhelmed.  that i’m waiting for God to move?  but didn’t i already tell him that in my email?  yeah…

could this be God moving my father to a place where he actually does something for me?  maybe.  here’s where i’m at — i’ve got so much pain over all the years of him NOT being there that now, well now i don’t know if i WANT that kind of relationship.  i’m being honest here.

there are some deep hurts.  i’ve been holding out hope for so long that he would come around the bend.  be there.  call me.  and now, well  now, i don’t seem to have the “it” to keep holding out.  what i have is my faith that God understands the place where i am right now. and He knows that i don’t know.  i don’t know what’s going on.  i would like something more to my life than the stress/struggle of the past 11 yrs.  and i need to start changing the nature of the relationships that i have in my life.

i can’t be pliant.  i can’t be trying to make people feel better all the time.

it’s a new day.


About papillion

Intense Often Moody Transparent Exquisitely sensitive Animated Never satisfied Curious Eternal Romantic Creative Devotedly Christian Encouraging Multi-layered Loving Quick Judge Critical Forever evolving View all posts by papillion

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