it’s weird. i know God. He’s come through so many times before. i’ve had anxiety before about plans and such. this feels like a different anxiety though b/c this time i have no particular plans. before i always felt like i was working on something — had multiple pots on the stove and any of them could be the one that was chosen to move me forward. but not now. this time around, it’s like i don’t have lots of pots. i don’t even know if i have a stove.
my mind is in a whirl as i consider what my next moves should be. and the anxiety just seems to build. the longer and longer i go w/o some definitive answers, i am finding it harder and harder to control it. i have to spend a lot of time on my knees, just breathing and telling myself “all is well”.
i know that this anxiety is a sin. it shows a lack of faith in God and his ability to handle my situation. nonetheless i keep sinning and keep having to tell myself that “all is well” even when i don’t know what to do. this struggle makes me feel weaker b/c it’s like i’m fighting myself on top of everything else.
the unknown. the sense of helplessness – of total vulnerability. i’m crossing unknown territory. and it’s not as if it’s pleasurable!