ain’t nothing divine about anxiety…

it’s weird.  i know God.  He’s come through so many times before. i’ve had anxiety before about plans and such.  this feels like a different anxiety though b/c this time i have no particular plans.  before i always felt like i was working on something — had multiple pots on the stove and any of them could be the one that was chosen to move me forward.  but not now.  this time around, it’s like i don’t have lots of pots.  i don’t even know if i have a stove.
 
my mind is in a whirl as i consider what my next moves should be.  and the anxiety just seems to build.  the longer and longer i go w/o some definitive answers, i am finding it harder and harder to control it.  i have to spend a lot of time on my knees, just breathing and telling myself “all is well”.
 
i know that this anxiety is a sin.  it shows a lack of faith in God and his ability to handle my situation.  nonetheless i keep sinning and keep having to tell myself that “all is well” even when i don’t know what to do.  this struggle makes me feel weaker b/c it’s like i’m fighting myself on top of everything else.
 
the unknown.  the sense of helplessness – of total vulnerability.  i’m crossing unknown territory.  and it’s not as if it’s pleasurable! 

About papillion

Intense Often Moody Transparent Exquisitely sensitive Animated Never satisfied Curious Eternal Romantic Creative Devotedly Christian Encouraging Multi-layered Loving Quick Judge Critical Forever evolving View all posts by papillion

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